Stephen Hawking Creates One Direction Multiverse, Album Sales Increase Exponentially


Yesterday, a troubling and potentially dangerous rift occurred in the science community that perhaps we as humans may never be able to pull back from.  History has shown us plenty of terrible things that mankind wishes to uninvent such as the hydrogen bomb or sarin gas, yet on Saturday, physicist Stephen Hawking, played topper to them all.  Exhibit A: the One Direction multiverse.

Saturday night, Hawking got his Darth Sidious on by projecting his 3D holographic image from Cambridge University to the Sydney Opera House about the future of our planet.  Now, many people could potentially find a holograph fielding a science Q & A in an opera house all on a Saturday night a tad dry, but trust me, business picked up as a member of the audience dropped the mother of all pop music queries on Dr. Science.

“What do you think is the cosmological effect of Zayn leaving One Direction and consequently breaking the hearts of millions of teenage girls across the world?”

A quick retort of something along the lines of “finally, a serious question” from Hawking and rather than divert, one of the smartest men on the planet tried to convert millions of dizzy teen aged girls into science bosses.  Are you sitting down?  Here goes:

“My advice to any heartbroken young girl is to pay close attention to the study of theoretical physics. Because one day there may well be proof of multiple universes,” he said. “It would not be beyond the realms of possibility that somewhere outside of our own universe lies another different universe. And in that universe, Zayn is still in One Direction.”

Mind. Blown.

Now, multiple universes and things such as the many worlds theory are nothing new.  Oh, come on. Don’t look at me like the show Sliders never existed.  For crying out loud, it’s like Jerry O’ Connell will never be celebrated other than appearing in Jerry Maquire or Stand By Me, I mean…yeah, I know.  Once again, I digress.  The point here is science may indeed prove one day that there are multiple realities all running simultaneously. Think of it like when your virus protection tries to update and you’re in the middle of watching a YouTube video where a monkey is beating the crap out of a drone with a branch.  A crude comparison, yes, but you get the idea.  In a multiple universe at this very moment as you read my article, another version of yourself could be out for a walk or illegally downloading the Dude, Where’s My Car? soundtrack.

Anything and everything is possible in the multiverse, kids.

Don’t believe me?  The multiverse goes way beyond some bubble gum musician leaving a boy band.  Here are just a few examples and “what ifs” that could have occurred or even occurring right now:

  • In an alternate world, the television show Too Close For Comfort never existed, depriving a weary world of Ted Knight/Jim J. Bullock hilarity.
  • Sarah Jessica Parker is known as Sarah Jennifer Parker
  • The Y2K bug affected every bit of circuitry on the planet, forcing untold numbers of millennials to bitch and whine about more stuff than usual.
  • Russell Brand is funny
  • Elvis never died.  He’s 78 and still packing ’em in at Caesar’s
  • The Walking Dead is a musical in the multiverse.  It’s been a hit on Broadway for five years starring Hugh Jackman, Pia Zadora and Carol Channing.
  • An internet site called Facebook ruins modern society by reducing social contact and ruining work productivity.  Oh, wait.

As I’ve documented above, all things possible with the multiverse. Now, I understand that Mr. Hawking is trying to console young pop music fans about…well, something.  I’m 42, so cut me some slack on this.  My problem is that why even show these kids the multiverse door?  They can’t go through it.  It’s not like you can just jump through the nearest tear in the space time continuum and go pick up the latest Def Leppard album featuring a drummer with all his limbs and a non-dead version of guitarist Steve Clark, so why tease?  This, my interweb friends, is the dilemma that all science needs to ponder before opening up their big yappers.

As best described through Dr. Ian Malcolm of Jurassic Park fame,

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

I beg you, Dr. Hawking.  Leave the multiverse alone.  It is not a playground of ideas to be ridden by mankind, serving only our selfish purposes to propel ourselves into an occupied space where we have no rightly business entering.  It is folly for us to set out on this journey of dangerous thinking that could, ultimately, be the undoing of humanity as a whole. Some doors, no matter how inviting need to remain closed, not only for our good, but for the good of the others that live on the other side of said door.

Unless we find the alternate universe where I married Kate Beckinsale.  I’m all about that shit.



Filed under Mishmosh Ranting

2 responses to “Stephen Hawking Creates One Direction Multiverse, Album Sales Increase Exponentially

  1. This just may be the funniest thing I’ve read in months.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s