Celebrity Shitbag of the Month: Billy Ray Cyrus Edition


How to exploit your teenage daughter

How to exploit your teenage daughter

Don’t be mad at Miley Cyrus.  She’s 20, and can’t come to grip with her dwindling fan base. More than that,  Miley comes from a long line of stupid and her recent actions are an homage to her lineage.

As you may/may not (more like don’t care) know, Miley’s dad was a one hit wonder on the country scene named Billy Ray Cyrus.  His song “Achy Breaky Heart” turned millions off to country music, as if his patented mullet, sans sleeve tee-shirt and untied high tops weren’t enough to get the job done.  Trust me folks, if you weren’t alive during that time period the guy was about five minutes from saying “hey y’all, watch this” and parking  his ’89 Camaro complete with Cragar rims in the nearest swimming pool. Any other time, this guy would have been labled just another simple-minded redneck.  Yet, still the media keeps going soft serve on this guy. Plot.  Thickens.

Let’s go back yet another generation.  Billy Ray’s dad was none other than resident genius of Flatwoods, KY, Ron Cyrus.  Grandpappy Ron was not only a Democratic politician, but a high up in the Kentucky AFL-CIO (surprise!) and even a member of the Federal Reserve Board.  If you haven’t connected the dots yet, here’s your spoiler alert: The Cyrus’ family is a legacy, and the next time one hears the phrase “good ‘ol boys network” remember that this family is allowed to put their feet up on the coffee table.  They are above scolding from the media in general.    So, how does this all make Billy Ray Cyrus Celebrity Shitbag of the Month, you may ask?

After Hannah Montana had her on stage breakdown because face facts, that’s exactly what it was, Billy Ray apparently responded to Miley positively and basically said he’d have done the same thing, which apparantly was showing off an ass that is in need of a severe workout (psst, Miley, click here.)  Funny,  being that Billy Ray Cyrus for many years sat on the advisory board of a “conservative” group called the Parents Television Council, making decisions on what’s appropriate for children to watch.  Just one of the many phony facets of our good ‘ol bumpkin, Billy Ray.

It’s really not surprising however, from a man who is so crack-addicted to limelight that he shoved his daughter in the spotlight to sustain his own creepy southern vampiryness.  Miley Cyrus was the biggest Disney princess, bar none.  Miley not only cracked the glass ceiling, she bought it, tore it down and rebuilt it with that composite material they make countertops out of so no one, no one could be as successful as her.  And all was grand until the great predator named “time” caught her, dragged her down, and Disney called for renovations, sans Cyrus family.  Even near the end of the ride, Billy Ray started making plans.

The Hannah Montana empire was crumbling, but Billy Ray and Co. weren’t done living the high life, courtesy of his daughter’s exploitation.  Something had to be done, and many fans of princess Miley will remember when this little morsel came out:

“Crackhead Runaway Miley” was a photo that Vanity Fair released, and when Billy Ray was questioned how in the Hell a father can take his 15-year-old daughter to a photo shoot and let this shit happen, he spat out about a million “aww shoot, shucks and gee wilikers”  before Billy Ray said he’d stepped out for a while when the shots were taken.  Me?  I’m a good dad.  Had this been my daughter, I would have stuck a $100 bill in my pocket for bail and beat the photographer so badly,  his only source of nutrition for the next six month would be Campbell’s Alphabet Soup via enema.  Not Billy Ray, though.  Na, just part of “lettin’ your little girl grow up”.  Tall talk for somebody that never grew up themself,  the half-witted asshole.  The truth is, “shock” feeds the beast called fame, and nobody was cutting Billy Ray out of his second chance.  Fatherhood and his own daughter, be damned.

No, wait.  It gets infinitely better.  After Miley was ushered out of the house of the mouse, cracks in the Cyrus family made it into the spotlight and Billy Ray’s explanation? God, Mickey Mouse and David Lynch were to blame, quite obviously.  Let’s break this down to really get you a laugh.  Here’s Billy Ray pointing his achy breaky finger:

  1. On God: “Recently, Miley and I have had our faith shaken”.  W.T.F.  You toss your kid into the slime pit of human excrement that is Hollywood, make a boat load of cash with the lowest amount of talent and expectations possible…and your “faith” is shaken. You know what Billy Ray, just go ahead and sign that sweet deal with Peter Fonda to be the next Ghost Rider right now.  Trust me, bumpkin, you’re just delaying the inevitable, anyway.
  2. On Disney: “that damn show [Hannah Montana] destroyed my family.”  Put me on a show.  Disney, you hear me?  Put me on a show right now with my daughter.  Cut me a huge ass check for the next five years and trust me, it won’t be my family that gets destroyed.  I’ll even give you the title:  “The Bloomquists Don’t Sweat Your Ass One Tiny Bit, You Weak-Spined Hollywood Scumshits”
  3. On David Lynch:  Let’s just for one second give Billy Ray his anger of God and Mickey Mouse.  If you have to dig so far into the bag of moral bankruptcy and pull out a third tier weirdo like David Lynch to go all Punisher like on the world, you really have issues that even a Sam’s Club sized bottle of Xanax isn’t going to smooth out.  All that because Lynch gave Billy Ray a minor part in Mulholland Drive and made his family famous.  So, Cyrus believes that if you play six degrees of separation between himself and Miley, it’s all crazy Dave’s fault.  I wish I would have know about this theory before, as I would have used the “it’s all the fault of a semi-famous director” defense in my divorce.  Curse you, Paul Verhoeven.  Curse you.

So, put all the facts I’ve laid before you now at work and play Miley Cyrus’ latest circus act bullshit over in your mind.  Miley is 20 and messed up because she doesn’t get the fact that her fan base is gone.  She doesn’t have true talent to pull off an acting and/or singing career. It’s over, and Billy Ray can’t break it to Miley she really needs to consider a steady drywalling gig instead of this sad meltdown in front of us all.  Miley.  You’re not shocking anyone.  All us “squares” invented rock and roll.  We’re not shocked, we’re tired.  I recorded at a studio where the owner had a $40,000 a month heroin problem.  Farm animals were in the studio, Miley.  Farm animals.  The musician in question ate amphetamines out of a dish like M&Ms.  And it wasn’t an act for the benefit of the cameras.  Those people did that stuff like normal folks vacuum the carpeting.

You really want to shock me and others like me?  Show up on MTV in a suit and call out the 60-year old pervs that are running that bullshit channel.  Then, tell your old man you’ll cut him a check so he can go on his merry way and figure out how the hell he’s going to keep his fame addiction funded.  Trust me, those true squares will cut your mic faster than you can say “blurred coke lines”.  But that scenario will never happen because the Cyrus’ family is part of the machine and more importantly, a tool to be used to indoctrinate our kids, yet again.  Change the channel you say?  Not when it’s replayed on all major networks in prime time and splashed across every social media outlet.  And I’ll remember the channel argument the next time Joel Osteen  tells you all you’re going straight to hell for being a soulless robot.

Sorry, kid.  Your old man is our Celebrity Shitbag of the Month, a fame thirsting vampire and worst of all, a pathetic dad.  You’re gonna have a tough time in this world, Miley.  As for you, Billy Ray, if it’s fame you truly desire, my cousin still has an ’82 Z-28 with the Crossfire system you  can probably strap a rocket to.  Betcha can’t park that sumbitch up in a tree, Hoss.


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Filed under Mishmosh Ranting, Music, Television

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