POSTING BY JB MADDAWG
The blogosphere. It’s a gigantic pool filled with people who love cats and can make an appropriate dinner for two using only ingredients deemed “non GMO”. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
No really, I’ll hit the snooze button on the crappy blog that tells me I should just embrace veganism to promote a more “pro-bovine” agenda. Thanks, Ghandi. I’ll make sure I put on John Lennon’s “Imagine” the next time I mistakenly click on your blog. Christ, I almost hit my head on my nearly useless GE wireless keyboard by reading the blog to remain nameless. If blogs were drugs, yours would be Celesta, my friend. Allow me to introduce bombshell blogging.
I realize more than ever, veteran bloggers need to step up and start directing traffic. Don’t get me wrong, I always will promote a blogger to speak with his/her true voice. If building bird houses using only Melba Toast is your gig, then rock on, I say. But, make it explode on the pages of you blog. Stop with the whiny “what do you guys think?” bullshit. I do not, will not, won’t ever ask you what you think on The ThrowDown. This isn’t a round table discussion on if we really believe Justin Timberlake is bringing sexy back. No, friend, you came here because you needed someone to tell you not only is he not bringing sexy back, but he’s also kind of a moose douche. That’s bombshell blogging.
The ThrowDown is the bastard son of WordPress. The truth is that nobody can seem to put a finger on why we’re popular, but I’ll tell you our secret. We break every conventional blogging rule there is, except one: CONTENT. IS. KING. And it’s prince awaiting the crown, presentation. You could have the greatest blog in the ‘verse about pinecones, as far as you’re concerned. What makes a blog great is when you can make readers lapse into a Google coma, because they had to know more about stupid, goddamn pinecones. People just don’t share your inherent love of pinecones, you have to present it to them like a Wolfgang Puck meal. For instance, I always get barraged by haters when I write an article on NASCAR. Yes, you hate NASCAR and auto racing so much that for some unknown reason, you had to read my article. And commented. Then checked back in daily to see if I’ve written more NASCAR articles. At this point, I own your soul, because I presented something in a way that was fresh to you, even though you despised it. I’m your big Dawggy Daddy, and you’re now addicted to my grand assholedness. Welcome to slavery.
Look, do you really want your blog’s target audience to be ” between ages 18-22, and suicidal”? No, I didn’t think so. A cooking blog I ran into years ago when The ThrowDown was in its infancy was Cooking For Assholes, which you can read here. Oh, you’ll learn how to cook, alright. But the main thing is, you’ll remember everything, because of presentation. I’m probably ten times more likely to remember a blog that calls me an idiot for not knowing the difference between a convention/convection oven, over one that ends every single frigging recipe with “bon appetit!”. Spare me the pleasantries. A blog that has no voice is like a new car without the new car smell. It’s a goddamn rip off.
This line of writing concerning blogs has taken a really awful turn of late, and it’s something I will clash endlessly with many bloggers on. It’s the “heeyyyyy man…be cool, let’s all smile on our brother and love one another and stuff”, movement. Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Conflict happens. I actually did three non confrontational test articles last year on The ThrowDown, just to see people’s reaction. I got torched. People despised them, and more importantly, seemed to feel cheated. The zen thing may work for famed NBA coach Phil Jackson, but when it comes from me, it just sounds phony. Lesson: if you write a non-confrontational blog, it better be your true voice. I say again, people read The ThrowDown because they know the product and we know our audience. Do not fear controversy. Let the bottom feeders write about getting along. If you really want to say something, then say it, critics and commentors be damned. Again, bombshell blogging.
The truth is it is extremely tough to keep an inspired blog rolling. Hell, I even slipped a bit this past holiday season, and felt the pull of “is this really worth it?”. That’s when I realized the problem was I had started to sell inspiration for a 30 second interview with Luke Perry. I had to return The ThrowDown to its true form, which is a 500-1000 word article that reads like a fist fight every time. Now, I’m not saying write like me, or copy our format. Simply put, as a blogger, you should find your unique voice, whether it’s popular or not, and shove your way to the top of your genre. If you can’t believe your own writing, don’t expect me to, either. Do whatever you have to do to pull that home run article out of your ass. You have to believe in your words because as it’s shown time after time, a salesperson that doesn’t believe in what is being sold, starves.
Hey, someone needs to get all tough love on bloggers. I can’t even hear myself think over the cacophony of bloggers whining about a low view rate, when they clearly need some guidance. I say again, bombshell blogging does not require you to swear as much as I do or be a confrontational nightmare. It simply means you need to find that spark inside, light the fuse, and throw that raw passion into your posts. Enjoy watching the timer go off, and seeing the results of your labor. One of my most favorite comments: “I have no words to describe how I feel about [the article] you wrote. Wow.” Doesn’t matter to me if the person liked it or not. The point is, I left that reader with a 700+ word concussion. That is the essence of bombshell blogging.
Stay inspired, my friends. For this is how I feel upon completion of every single article.