Wanting Dead: Things That Should Happen on The Walking Dead

POSTING BY JB MADDAWG

Season 3 Cast of The Walking Dead

Season 3 Cast of The Walking Dead

Yeah, I agree it’s a bit weird.  Our own Big Angry is usually the guy you come to see on The ThrowDown for all things Walking Dead, but I’ve noticed a few things on the show and need to get in on this action.  Lemme set it up for you: it all pulled together for me with the episode “I Ain’t a Judas”, mainly with Andrea visiting the gang at the prison, and leaving in a vehicle.  The prison yard is chock full of zombies, courtesy of one-eyed, one-horned psychotic Georgia people beater, governor Phil, and Rick has just shown Andrea the door.  Pensive scene ensues, Andrea leaves, acting all emo as she drives past the shambling dead.

Now, if you’ll remember, the group talks of how there is no longer enough ammo to take out the walkers in the prison yard.  Yet,  there Andrea is, driving away in a perfectly good 1500 pound killing machine.  Me?  I’d be giving the gang a little goodbye present and mowing down some dead folk, head hanging out the window, one hand on the wheel crooning the lyrics to “Snoopy and the Red Baron”.  That’s just me, and my 12% redneck showing up.  Nevertheless, I get things done.  Doesn’t matter if you kill the zombies, you’ve knocked them boneless, and more importantly, immobile.  Clean up on aisle everywhere.

Season three has been pretty great, but that little glitch in the writing bothered me a bit.  Let’s hope we’re not going to get into Lost territory and prop up the writing with shit like “oh yeah, there’s a polar bear here also.  We’ll write our way out of it three seasons from now”.  That being said, here’s a list of things I think really need to be addressed on the show with some of the characters.  You know, before smoke monsters and Matthew Fox start showing up.  Check it:

Rick (needs drugs).  I’ll say it.  Rick is nuts.  I don’t care how normal he’s supposed to look next to characters like Morgan, or Michonne telling him it’s ok to go a little goofy.  Someone needs to find Rick something in the alazopram bin, and maybe with some nice talk therapy, he can work through this.  Let’s not make it worse by sugar-coating it.  Rick was taking phone calls from dead people, and yelling at the ghost of his dead wife.  Time to have a seat on the couch and tell me about your mother, Rick.

Michonne (more lines) We get it, she’s pensive.  The brooding thing plays for a bit, but let’s have some verbal insight from this character, not that I don’t love all the sword-fu, but Michonne needs to chat it up a bit more.  Give us something.

Daryl (needs a bath) Look, Daryl is my favorite.  He’s got good ‘ol southern gumption and will slap the crap out of someone faster than one can say Lynard Skynard, but egads, the dirt.  Daryl looks like he waited for it to turn over 100 degrees out, then wrestled a goat sporting dreadlocks in a filthy ashtray.  As my comrade Big Angry said, “he makes Pigpen from Peanuts look like Howard Hughes”.  Five minutes in the nearby creek, Daryl.  It’s all I ask.  Any dirtier, and Sigourney Weaver is going to show up, wipe your face and put Hick’s helmet on you.

Andrea (needs to die) Die, Andrea.  She’s less than worthless.  Let’s take a look at Andrea’s resume.  She lead Dale on constantly, buddied up to crazy Shane, accidentally shot Daryl, bedded the worst villain the show has and threw Michonne under the bus for saving her sorry ass for an entire winter.  Everyone thank Andrea.  Thank you, Andrea.  Now kick off.

Carl (needs more guns) Give Carl guns.  Bigger, the better.  Seriously, this kid is a 13-year-old buzzsaw.  With the proper arsenal, I think Carl could actually blaze a path up the entire eastern seaboard, just him and his hat.  If we’re power ranking the cast, Carl comes in at #3 for me, behind Michonne and Daryl.  The kid cleared a wing of the prison on his own, and mercy killed his mom.  Don’t screw with him.

Carol (needs a hairstyle) Carol.  The post apocalyptic high and tight isn’t working.  Most people seem to think you’re the token lesbian on the show, and that’s with all the sexual harassment of Daryl.  Please stop.  Your entire family is dead, and you’re trying to rebound with a sweaty hillbilly while rocking the Susan Powter hairdo.  It’s unnatural.  Grow the hair out and just keep taking care of Rick/Shane’s baby.  Seriously, T Dog died for you.  Let him not die in vain.

Herschel (needs a shave)  Nobody drifted off when Herschel started monologuing in season two more than me.  I know he needed to be fine tuned to stay popular on the show, but he went from Wilford Brimley’s Country Time lemonade salesman to the opening act for Country Joe and the Fish.  I’m waiting for Rick to come into the prison to the strains of “…one, two, three…what are we fightin’ for?” while Hersch plucks at the banjo.  The ponytail and ZZ Top beard aren’t working.  He’s an old man, and while he doesn’t need to be his former bland self, Herschel shouldn’t be Jerry Garcia’s ex-roomie, either.  The whimsical hipster act needs to dial down a notch.

Merle (needs to be let off the chain)  For all that’s right on the show, let Merle loose.  Enough of this right hand (hahaha) man crap, Merle is like an unexploded bomb.  The guy kicked the snot out of half of the undead city of Atlanta.  One-handed.  Because HE cut the other hand off.  Guns don’t kill people.  Merle kills people.  So stop making him peel potatoes with his prosthetic knife hand, and clear some dead folk while we all wait for Rick to not be crazy.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that season three brushed away the crappy Green Acres version that was happening in season two, but let’s not coast.  This show has the potential to run many seasons, so hopefully, the writers on the show will keep sharpening the pencils.  History has shown a good show doesn’t stay good, unless the quality control stays at that forefront.  Otherwise, you end up with Bobby Ewing in the morning shower letting you know the entire last season of programming was all a dream.

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4 Comments

Filed under Mishmosh Ranting, Television

4 responses to “Wanting Dead: Things That Should Happen on The Walking Dead

  1. The Ghost of Jimmy

    LOST was the best show ever. Also Andrea should be expected to play a major role next episode in creating a coup within the walls of the Governor’s layer.

    But I agree with you about Carol. I think it’s weird how Rick, Carl and Herschal let their hair grow out but Carol continues to cut hers.

    • Don’t get me wrong, I love Lost. In fact I’ve written an article twice now titled “We Have to Go Baaaaack!” But never been happy with it, so I didn’t publish.
      As far as Andrea, we’ll see. Thanks for chiming in!

  2. Halleluiah! This has got to be one of the bests posts I’ve read in a while.

    For the record, I couldn’t agree more in terms of Andrea. She is the poster woman for dick-eating fem-shrews everywhere, and is without a doubt the show’s most utterly useless character. I swear she contributes nothing, making me wonder if the writers are investing in her survival in order to deliver a bolt of drama during May sweeps in the form of her death.

    Picture this:

    A Prison courtyard, Andrea panicked and pacing the center. The Governor takes his place in the watchtower, looking down into the “arena” as it slowly fills with zombies, ready to shred her Gladiator-style. Merle cheers from the sidelines, gnawing on a turkey leg. I only wish Lori were still alive so that Daryl could pitch her head-first into the ring. Lori didn’t die bloody enough as far as I’m concerned.

    I’ve….said too much.

    • Love it. She needs to go. Not because she’s a woman, but because she’s a dumbass. Her scenes kill any momentum the show may have created. The wrong character died in the CDC building in season one.

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