POSTING BY JB MADDAWG
Just letting the huddled masses know that have no fear, I, Jake Bloomquist was contacted earlier this evening to host the 2014 Academy Awards. As I could see on social media that this year’s host Seth MacFarlane was floundering right off the bat (I wasn’t watching…had the tv on The Walking Dead like all the other non beta males) and knew something was up when my caller ID kept giving a California phone number.
Long story short, after a bit of phone tag, I was able to chat with the Academy folks, and after a few emails, it’s a done deal. I’ll be renting a tux and giving out the gold trophies. So, I figured I’d better get to work on an opening to remember, and ThrowDown readers get the first look. Here goes:
Thank you…OH, it’s good to be here. No really, I’ve felt like a captive audience to all your crazy bullshit over the years, that I relish this opportunity to stand before you and poke fun at what a bunch of self-absorbed degenerates you all are. For instance, it’s good to see Russell Crowe is back amongst us all, smelling like cheap bourbon and wallaby urine. Tough biz, eh Russ? One minute you’re a beautiful mind, the next you’re perspiring gin from your underarms. But don’t panic Russ, because Jaime Foxx is also here and has it far worse than you. Glad Hollywood keeps recycling this useless, racist gank every ten years for some unknown reason, if only to invite him to hang out at an awards show loaded with old white Jewish people. Boooo, Jaime! Ohhh, the whites are closing in, and they’re trying to give you a trophy…Ooooo, so scary. Seriously, man. You’re Denzel Washington’s uncool little brother that none of the other kids want to play baseball with. Get lost.
Oh, I’m just kidding, right? I mean, it’s all in good fun. We’re laughing with you, not at you. Like Daryl Hannah. Daryl are you in the crowd sweetie? Please stand up and take a bow. Oh she’s not here? Well, that may be because she hasn’t had a decent job since 1985, or she’s become so successful off the general public playing a goddamn mermaid that she can afford to wage a one actress war on the Keystone pipeline. Little advice, Daryl. Don’t go anywhere near Nebraska, where you’re 25 times more likely to be beaten to death by a pipefitter named Lou than being struck by lightning. I kid, I kid. It’s Wyoming where they want to bludgeon you to death. Speaking of death, I see Jane Fonda made it here. I could have sworn you were in the “guess who’s dead” reel of the Oscars last year, but here you are all glamorous in your seat. However, I’m sure we can whip up a North Vietnamese anti-aircraft gun if you’d be more comfortable.
Ah well. It’s good we can all laugh at ourselves. Like Barbara Streisand. You should have heard Babs at Madeo the other night. She was with Meryl Streep and telling wall to wall fart jokes. Meryl was laughing so hard, cucumber water shot out of her nose. Ruined a perfectly good plate of spaghetti bolognese at a mere $150 bucks but the yuks were well worth it.
Joking, folks. Unfortunately, I do have some serious announcements regarding this year’s awards. Point blank, you’re all getting them. Everybody. You’ll find a two-inch Oscar statue with a blank plaque under your seats. Go ahead, have ’em engraved to your appropriate category. You see, it’s been decided that since “social justice” is so goddamn important to you all, everybody gets an Oscar. Everybody. Even the people watching at home. Just go to the Academy website, fill out the application, and within a few weeks, boom. Oscars for all. Because quite frankly, in today’s day and age, nobody gives a shit how hard you worked on your film. No one cares that I didn’t have a thing to do with Spielberg’s latest flick. It’s all about fair now, and I want my Oscar. Just think of it in terms of all the crappy pee wee soccer teams. We ALL get trophies, just for being us. Excelling at your work means nothing now. Shut up and deal with it.
Be grateful with that. Because, let’s face it, you don’t really risk anything at your job. You’ve never had to treat a five-year old that’s gone into cardiac arrest for some unknown reason at the E.R., or treat a sucking chest wound on a battlefield. Hell, I knew an electrician that back when aluminum ladders were all the rage, was blown by a strong wind into the power lines and never came home to his wife and three kids. Just doing his job. While you assholes were out putting makeup on and playing pretend. Then, to further insult the general public, proceeded to lecture us all on what is just. Let me be point-blank, because you creeps aren’t doing the math: this country is fed up with your bullshit.
Of course there are plenty of you that are just doing your jobs, and don’t buy into the fame game. As for the rest, go look in the mirror. Granted, you probably won’t see a reflection, like most vampires, but you’ll get enough of a glimpse to see the bigger picture. And that picture is more than grim. Because when parasites run out of hosts, they invoke the doomsday scenario of feeding on each other.
Box office revenue is dropping. Theaters keep raising prices just to accommodate your ridiculous fees. It’s a state of critical mass, and just like the music industry, you Mensa candidates don’t see the left hook coming. It’s the one that has teens downloading and pirating your work, because you refuse to acknowledge the days of Hollywood churning super dollars are over. Not only for studios, but for the actors and behind the scenes as well. We’ve all had to tighten the belt and take a pay cut. Trust me, in the very near future, you phony bootlickers won’t have time to go and hold hands around a duck with a six-pack ring around its neck. You’re gonna have to go out and get real jobs to make ends meet like the rest of us.
Now, who’s up for some Wolfgang Puck finger sandwiches? (drops mic)