The Hunger Games: Celebrity Edition

POSTING BY JB MADDAWG

Check your local listings!

It’s been a few weeks since I rented The Hunger Games, and the more I wrap my mind around it, the more I’m on board with the deal.  No, not with the kids part, obviously, but I think I’ve got a more than adequate replacement.  For those of you that haven’t seen the movie/read the books, it’s about one male and female representative from a futuristic United States being chosen from a series of districts, to fight to the death in a reality show.  Fight to the death, one walks away the winner.  That’s what started the wheels turning for me.

While one half of the U.S. has gone batshit crazy over the 1%, and the other half suffering from big Hollywood derangement syndrome, I think it’s time for a win/win.  Hunger Games: Celebrity Edition.  Now, mind you I have no problem with celebrities and entertainers that support some movements, but this constant harping, especially on social media, has just gone way to far.

I’ve been involved with private business for several years, and I can tell you from experience, on the clock you shut the fuck up.  There is no political or religious discussion, you bottle it, smile and nod and keep things focused.  There is no argument for voicing your views, no matter how nutty the consumer wants to behave.  People that claim they’ll say whatever they choose in this scenario for any length of time will:

  • have a very short run in business
  • have no experience in business, and are lying sacks of shit.

Same goes for entertainment.  A little goes a long way and some support is fine,  but when loony bitches like Madonna start pulling guns on a crowd to make a statement, it’s time to go.  Face it, there is no “turning the channel” if viewers don’t like the message.  Social media has now goaded us all into viewing what entertainers have to say via hashtags and Facebook pages.  People are sick and tired of laying down hard-earned money at concerts, movies and other venues, all the while the entertainers pocket the cash and proceed to social media to stick it to their patrons. No way in Hell I’m letting my dentist tell me his views, no way in Hell I’m letting some actor insult me after I helped pay for his/her mansion.  Those days are over.  So, I’ve developed a nice blueprint for some entertainers that need to dial the bullshit down.  This…is the Hunger Games: Celebrity Edition, Season One.

District One (Films)

  • Male representative: Simon Pegg
  • Female representative:  Julia Roberts
  • This was easy for me.  Look, I still love Shaun of the Dead, but Pegg is a tool.  ThrowDown fans will remember how I took his ass to task on Twitter earlier this year, and Peggboy has had to issue two general apologies to all his followers on Twitter since then.  He’s a dick, and he’s about a month from joining Kevin Smith on Comic Book Men.  Roberts is a snot.  Now I know that’s not popular amongst women, but let’s see a show of hands how many men think she’s a twit.  Guys…pretend your wife isn’t looking.  Uh huh.  That’s what I thought.  Come on, she played Erin Brockovich, and forgot to thank Erin Brockovich, when she won an award for Erin Brockovich.  Fake, phony, faux.

District Two (Pop Music)

  • Male representative: Kanye West
  • Female representative: Madonna.
  •  Don’t give me the Hurricane Katrina defense with this guy.  He isn’t “bold”, “strong-willed” or “vocal”.  He’s a “jackass”, quote President Barack Obama, which now makes two POTUS’ that think he’s an asshole.  Madonna.  Wow, where do I begin?  When one hits 54 years of age and is still in danger of being called a skank, you’ve outdone yourself.  Let’s be honest, only over the hill gay men like this crazy hag.  My God.  She wore out her welcome in about ’84.  Go. Home.

District Three (Television)

  • Male representative: Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino
  • Female Representative: Eva Longoria.
  • Sitch, c’mon.  This is a no brainer.  I literally want to beat him with those 1970 police sunglasses that he wears on the end of his nose.  I say again, it never ceases to amaze me just who’ll buy a six-pack of dumbass.  And Longoria?  Every time this lady talks politics, she makes Britney Spears sound like Socrates.  I’m mean really, she offends half the female Latino population while being Latino.  Just keep getting passed around by bench warmer athletes, and stop speaking.

District Four (Sports)

  • Male representative: Lance Armstrong.
  • Female representative: Danica Patrick.
  •  I was even defending Armstrong.  Hey, when ex competitors and ex wives make accusations, it’s expected.  When the UPS guy calls you an extortionist, people start to see the bigger picture.  The only thing Lance will be peddling in the future is seven sweaty yellow shirts.  Danica Patrick has had every opportunity provided for her in three disciplines of auto racing, and pissed off just about everyone in those three.  She’s such a hot head, she not only risks her safety, but everyone else’s on the track.  She can’t drive, Go Daddy is going to dump her soon and the only thing left is reality television.  Game, set, match.

District Five (Kardashians)

  • Male representative:  Rob Kardashian
  • Female representative: Kim Kardashian
  • Sorry, Rob wins by default.  If Scott Disick would have changed his name, he would have won, hands down.  If Disick was any more of an oily mass, BP would be fighting a class action suit for him.  Kim is a giant plastic ass, with a really stupid person attached to it.  If she were any more shallow, she’d have a “no diving” tattoo.

District Six (My Personal Picks)

  • Male representative: Ted Nugent
  • Female representative: Tom Morello
  • Nugent pissed me off when he made a veiled threat at President Obama’s life earlier this year.  I used to like Nuge, but I don’t care if it’s George W. Bush, or Barack Obama.  Threatening the U.S. President should be punishable by the general public beating you with styrofoam bats.  And then urinating in your camouflage hat.  Tom Morello takes my pick for female, because he’s the single biggest p*&$y that isn’t in the porn industry.  Only impressing the dumbasses that own Guitar Hero 3, Morello is a fraud, putting on his “rage against the machine” attitude, and still doesn’t get the fact that he IS the machine.  I hope all his kitchen appliances turn on him.  Plus, he’s a Chicago Cubs fan.  Big indicator of mental instability.

Believe me, there are plenty more entertainers that would fit well in the Hunger Games: Celebrity Edition, but come on, we can’t put ’em all in season one.  So, who’s gonna win the first edition?  Who cares.  May the odds be never in their favor.

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2 Comments

Filed under Mishmosh Ranting, Movies, Music, Television

2 responses to “The Hunger Games: Celebrity Edition

  1. Finally, someone else who thinks Morello is overrated. Do you know what I love most about him…his anti-government band was at it’s height during the Clinton Administration, an extremely liberal time. Shut your face.

    • Morello got rich off walking on the backs of the bruised. He’ll go to NY to give free concerts for political hate goups, but won’t go there to help hurricane efforts. Two faced, jack boot asshat. And his guitar playing is frigging offensive.

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