POSTING BY JB MADDAWG
Dear Ms. Gosselin
You don’t know me, but I’m fairly certain you soon will. Allow me to introduce myself as Jakeford Xavier Bloomquist, Esq. Although this is my name, proper, I’m actually known fairly well in the “commentator” community as JB Maddawg and the creator of the blog you’re reading, The ThrowDown.
Please don’t be thrown by the catchy nickname and dollar blue sunglasses. I’m actually a pretty swell guy, a loving dad and a stalwart companion. Also, don’t let the rumors sway you, Kate, although I have been ostracized by several “writing circles”, whatever the hell that means, you know as well I as I do some folks just can’t deal with visionaries such as ourselves and just keep drinking the Haterade.
You see, I too am divorced and had subjected myself to various forms of slavery over the course of my decade long marriage. I’ve heard the venom spewed against you Kate. I know there isn’t anything wrong with you as a spouse. You were frustrated, overworked and underappreciated by a guy that appeared to me as someone who ate paste as a youth. Lots of paste. I digress.
I know bad spouses. Mine had a toilet paper cabinet, but that’s completely normal, right? Where it goes all Cluster A Disorder is how she demanded that when a new package of TP was purchased, the older stock of rolls were to be rotated forward, with the new roles taking their obvious place in the bathroom hierarchy at the rear of the cabinet. Trust me, I can handle some occasional breakdown crying and a media spotlighted bad hairdo. You’re fine.
Plus, I’m a father as well. I have two great kids that view me as the cat’s pajamas. That may be due to the fact that bedtime is more of a guideline and less of a rule at my place and recently, I’ve hung a poster saying “Your Mommy has no powers, here” in plain view. Ah, well. The “court” said I can’t badmouth my ex to my kids, but I’ve searched all 191 pages of my court decree and not once does it mention stating the obvious in a wall hanging or modern decor.
The point is Kate, yes I have one, is that I’ve recently read you’re open to dating again, although you aren’t sure about the time schedule of having a special someone. That’s where things really work out. I, like many of us that have
been freed experienced divorce, have no interest in legally tying a knot, moving in or agreeing to anything that squashes my freedom, or yours. We’ll be as casual as you like without all the stupid garbage that usually sucks the life out of a prison sentence marriage. Plus, TLC will be hammering on the door to give you another show since you’ll be with someone who isn’t a mouth breathing camera blemish. You can talk about the kids on the show all you want, but what’s gonna pay the bills is when I work in the fact that calling Cher white trash is an insult to styrofoam. Start picking out the big overstuffed chair we can sit together on for the set up pieces, dear. I smell ratings gold.
Yours forever and ever,
p.s. I know you’ve been writing that coupon blog over at Coupon Cabin, but if we’re gonna be an item, I may have to help you trick that thing out. It’s a bit amateur chic.