You’re A Clown Reporter, Eh?


Back on June 12th, when the Washington Nationals played the Toronto Blue Jays, the Nat’s rookie sensation Bryce Harper probably didn’t think he’d become an internet sensation.  Thanks to an “unidentified reporter” from Toronto’s, Harper got an opportunity to show he’s got the makings of a major league player, not only on the field but off, as well.

Questioned if after a home run earlier in the evening he planned on having a “celebratory Canadian beer” which would “make sense”, Harper issued his now famous line, “I’m not answering that.  That’s a clown question, bro.”  Make sense?  Not only is Harper 19, but also an American and oh yeah, a Mormon.  His chosen religion does not allow him to drink.  And no, I don’t give a shit if that’s a problem for the reporter.  It’s fairly easy to pick up on the fact as the reporter continues to dog on about “favorite beers” and Canada, that this moron had an agenda.  He cared nothing of the game, or Harper’s performance.  He wanted his moment in the sun, and thought that a commentary on someone’s religion, views or whatever was going to end up making him some sort of “hero” for self-righteous assholes, everywhere.

Would he have asked Ellen DeGeneres if she was going to celebrate by getting nailed by some strapping guy after a good taping of her show?  Of course not…that would be judgmental and hateful.  But to completely insult someone’s personal choice in front of millions because you know, he didn’t agree for whatever reason, that’s completely acceptable.  Ah, “tolerance”.  Fickle bitch, inn’t it?

Harper, taking the high road, played off the question as ridiculous and continued on professionally. Now, there have plenty of arguments that the reported “had no idea” of the man’s beliefs, which is a boatload of crap.  He led with those questions and he knew exactly what he was doing.  Furthermore, you have to love the creeps over at NPR that tried to do damage control by acting as if Harper is some sort of Tim Tebow character, yet the man passed up a golden opportunity to filibuster on air about his beliefs.  Not that it matters.  Nobody in their right mind listens to NPR’s ridiculous horseshit, anyway.

Now, being 19, Harper handled things as he should have, but at nearly 40, I’ve learned there are scenarios in this world where you need to remove the social filter, and issue a verbal smackbottom.  Luckily, I never get interviewed.  This is how I would have shown the reporter, where personally insulting loaded questions get you:

  • “I plan on celebrating by returning tomorrow night, ready for work, and handing that minor league ballclub you refer to as the Toronto Blue Jays their asses again.”
  • “Canadian? Ha.  I don’t drink beer, but if I do…I will prefer it to be Dos Equis.”
  • “I’ll answer your asshole question right after you grow balls and shove a McRib sandwich in a some random Muslim’s face.  You know, long as we’re all being tolerant.”
  • “Seriously.  A Canadian reporter asking a beer question.  Nothing like upholding the stereotype, eh, buddy?”
  • “Aren’t you the same reporter that asked Doug Williams what it was like to be a black quarterback?”

The great thing about this is that outspoken Boston Red Sox player Dustin Pedroia said recently he plans to call out the reporter when the Blue Jays come to town and said, “poor kid.  I would have said, fuck you, I’m 19.”  Always look to the vets to cut through the petty little “gotcha” games.

So, tack up another glorious notch for sports reporting, and as for the dumb ass Canadian reporter…he should go celebrate by enjoying a bag of milk, and figure out why Quebec tries to physically saw themselves off from the rest of the country every ten years, and stay out of our politics.


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Filed under Mishmosh Ranting, Sports

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