POSTING BY JB MADDAWG
Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more metro sexual in the National Football League, commissioner Roger Goodell submitted to his secret passion for men’s couture, and held a special event to model the new NFL uniforms by Nike. While searching for some decent sports headlines to sink my teeth into yesterday, this ridiculous crap was the top story. Not the NCAA championship game, not the start of Major League Baseball, and nothing on the upcoming weekend at the Masters, although, not that I care. Golf is a weenie sport, at best.
You see, sports lovers, back when football was football teams just issued jerseys and fans found out during the first exhibition game if their favorite teams had made any changes. Now, because of the simple fact that Nike spent a boat load of money to produce the new uniforms instead of Reebok, Roger Goodell decided along with Nike to have a male fashion show. Did you read that, correctly? A male fashion show. For football. Then again, this is the same commissioner that pretty much forces NFL players to wear pink apparel for a month. Sure, we all want a cure for breast cancer, and to have a week dedicated to it is fine. When it turns into an entire month, people start raising eyebrows.
So, in the middle of NYC, each team had a “male model” representative wear the new uniform of their respective team. It couldn’t have been a more femmy event unless Goodell had the players parading on a catwalk.
I can see it now…
PA ANNOUNCER: “… ohhh, and here’s BIG Ben Roethlisberger, in his Pittsburg Steeler’s tighty tight outfit. Ben looks fabu in his black and gold uniform, whether he’s on the go from his latest court appearance for sexual harassment, or scrambling his little tush away from Mario Williams. Simply marvelous, Ben.”
Of course, at Goodell’s man parade, the only players allowed to represent the new look were of course the males with athletic builds. Personally, I was shocked that the 394 lb. defensive tackle Michael Jasper of the Buffalo Bills wasn’t allowed to participate. There’s a reason for that rather large oversight. The new Nike uniforms have been reported by players as being “much tighter” and are more form-fitting. Of course, they are. Quite honestly, there hasn’t been this much of a homosexual overhaul to men’s fashion since film director Joel Schumacher added nipples and a codpiece to the Batman costume.
Couple the new tights with an added v-neck jersey, and folks are gonna start wondering what’s next. As a long-time friend of Big Angry and myself once quipped, “Show me a guy wearing a v-neck shirt, and I’ll show you a guy that’s gay.”
But of course most of the brainless sports media decided to focus on irrelevant garbage like the fact that the famed Nike “swoosh” is on the shoulder, or how the new Seattle Seahawks uniform looks (no one outside of Seattle gives a damn). Personally, I think it’s just more pandering to a corporate giant like Nike, and of course, to let Roger Goodell to play Karl Lagerfeld for an afternoon.
Whatever the case may be, it still doesn’t change that fact that if you look at the picture at the top of this post, that it appears all the uniforms were left in the dryer too long, and that Arizona Cardinal’s #11 Larry Fitzgerald can’t fit his head in a normal helmet.
Now that the gala event is over, Roger Goodell can go back to sipping a cosmopolitan and figuring out how to work famous show tunes into the 2012 season.