Defending Tebow


I’ve watched professional football a long time.  So long, in fact, I seem to now have the ability to slice through any bullshit I hear from sports reporters and team spokesmen.  I not only love the game, I love the business of football because lest we all forget, it is in fact, a business.  That being said, I would now like to reveal my true calling as a pro sports agent.  And I would love to have Tim Tebow as a client.

That’s right, I said it.  Obviously the dumb asses at XV Management can’t seem to get out in front of the current “where is Tebow going to play” circus, so I’ll have to do it.  In fact, I’d already be quite a few steps ahead in the process, at this point.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s how I’d be handling the current status of the young QB.

  • Immediately upon hearing the news Peyton Manning was signed by Denver, I’d pat Tebow on the shoulder and say, “Shake it off, Timmy.  Just relish in the fact that resident horse’s ass John Elway is no longer in the driver seat for your career.”
  • I would then immediately contact horse’s ass Elway and inform him to “be a man, grow a pair and give Tebow his unconditional release.  You’ve done enough to ‘help’ Tim.”
  • Then the phone barrage.  I would contact around 10-12 teams, letting them know Tebow is available. No trades or strings attatched.  Make an offer.  Obviously, only the Tebow as a starter offers would be at the top of the list.
  • Any team arguing that Tebow “isn’t mechanically sound as a quarterback” would be informed that on a team of circus clowns, Tebow threw a whopping SIX interceptions.  Six.  Hardly a far cry from the eye-popping 28 that even the great Peyton Manning threw in his first year as a starter.  I would also inform any team questioning technique that if they don’t have enough confidence in their quarterbacks coach to work with a player that can be molded to fit their needs, then maybe they should start firing staff members.
  • Among these calls would be one to the Minnesota Vikings.  They would be told that any team stupid enough to sign Donovan McNabb to a long-term deal can only upgrade.  I would end that call letting them know that if they’re too afraid of fielding an offense, then have fun in the NFL basement again.
  • Another call?  The Cleveland Browns.  I would inform Mike Holmgren that a team fielding 16 QB’s since 1999 have no room to debate anybody.  Quite obviously, the man who had to keep Brett Favre’s “gunslinger” style in check would have no problem working with the much more picky Tebow.  Then again, if the Browns would like to continue being  a high school team, they should just keep doing what they’re doing.  Losing.
  • Quite obviously, any team from Florida would be welcome to place bids.  Lest we forget Tebow was the key factor in winning a National Championship for the Florida Gators, not to mention the Heismann trophy.  But you know, those baubles are irrelevant.  Sure.  That’s why so much emphasis is put on winning them.
  • Proving that I’ve got mad multi-tasking skills, I would also schedule myself on any sports talk show that would like to debate the skills set of Tebow.  Statements such as “Tebow isn’t starter material” would prompt me to hold up photographs of Matt Leinart, Tim Couch and Ryan Leaf.  Those players, are not starting material.  And apparently, he’s more of a starter than Kyle Orton, who was the picked starter by Elway and company last season when the mighty Broncos had a 1-4 record.  And that’s the stat that out rules them all.  WINS. WINS. WINS. Not completion rating, not attendance records.  Tim Tebow took a shit football team and shoved them into the playoffs.  Fact.

But my favorite debate would be about the Christianity nonsense.  Personally, I don’t care if the guy worships a head of lettuce, I’m interested in his ability to play football.  Any discussion of religion would have me silently relaying the phone number of one Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens.  Yes, THAT Ray Lewis.  The Ray Lewis that beat a murder rap by bribing and plea bargaining out of a lifetime in prison.  The Ray Lewis that can’t find his white suit which he was wearing the evening of the murders.  The same Ray Lewis that now refers to himself as a “reverend” and gives lectures about religion before each game.  But nobody in the world of sports journalism will bring that up, will they?  That’s probably because there is no danger in assaulting the views and beliefs of the quiet white kid.  I have no hang ups, and will go on every record to call the Apostle Ray Lewis a fucking thug and a phony.  Let’s see a chicken shit like Bill Maher make that statement.

Wrapping up, Tebow will find a new team, much to the chagrin of the critics.  There have been far worse players and people in the NFL to helm a team on the field.  Let us not forget we live in a world where Trent Dilfer has a SuperBowl ring.

*Update*  Tim Tebow has been traded to The New York Jets for a 4th Round Draft choice.  Still doing favors for Tim, eh, Elway?  All I can say is, if the Broncos don’t go to and win the SuperBowl, you can always go back to selling used cars.



Filed under Mishmosh Ranting, Sports

6 responses to “Defending Tebow

  1. Anonymous

    I got this far:
    I would then immediately contact horse’s ass Elway and inform him to “be a man, grow a pair and give Tebow his unconditional release. You’ve done enough to ‘help’ Tim.”

    And stopped reading, because Elway would laugh his ass off at you and tell you to fuck off, he’s going to get at least a 2nd rounder for Tebow, and Tebow has little to no choice in the matter.

    • 1)Elway wouldn’t say that because he has no balls. Remember, this is a man that used to drive around Denver not paying for gas because he’s “John Elway”. So, frankly, he can fuck off, as can you. Your second paragraph shows how little knowledge of the business you have. Tebow and his agent should have no problem getting a release from the team, if Tebow’s so “worthless”. Next time you want to show your intelligence by disagreeing, have the balls to read the entire article.

      • BeAProfessional

        I did read the whole article and I agree with the Anonymous post above. Why would any team release a player outright (if there are no cap problems, which there aren’t) when they can get something for them in return? Not only that, but seeing how your article is based on the premise of professional football being a business, how does it make business sense to give things away for free? Who cares how Elway handled himself during his playing days? He’s running the business end of that team now, not avoiding gas pumps.

        Then you mention the teams that you’d call if you were Tim Tebow’s agent. The Vikings and Browns just spent high draft choices on their “QB’s of the future.” Denver proved that to be successful with Tebow, you have to abandon your style of offense and adapt his. What incentive does any team have to do that if there is already a potential franchise QB in place? I won’t argue with either of the Florida teams as options because that’s the most likely place any agent would call.

        However, your imaginary conversation with another GM is just pretentious. You go from asking if they’d be interested in your client to insulting their coaching staff and saying they should be fired for not wanting to take on a 3-4 year project? How is that a good business proposition at all? Have you ever held a negotiation before? There is such a thing as a “working relationship” and once a GM or an agent rubs the other the wrong way there’s no point in further discussion. Tim Tebow is a good football player, but there are MANY other QB’s around the league who have great upside but require some work. They, however, wouldn’t have agents who run their mouths like that, and are so difficult to work with. If you’re pretending to be his agent, I’ll respond as an imaginary GM- “We’re not interested in your side show- or Tim. Have a nice day.”

        And finally, people comment on articles with how they feel. It’s called criticism. Sometimes it’s constructive, sometimes it’s not. If you’re going to act like a journalist, you better get used to it. Telling someone to “fuck off” because they don’t agree with something you wrote (regardless of how you feel) is inappropriate and distasteful. Respond to this however you’d like. Ignore it. Tell me to fuck off if it makes you feel better (I won’t lose sleep over it), but don’t presume that just because you write something it makes the subject gospel.

      • 1)you’ve apparently never heard of Drew Rosenhaus. If you think it’s all smiley faces and Slurpees, you’re dreaming. There are millions and millions of dollars at stake. 2)John Elway started paying for gas when most of the population of Denver called him on it. 3)The Viks and Browns spend high draft picks on a QB all the time. How’s that workin’ out for ’em? 4)Actually, I don’t have any respect for some low life that posts Anonymously, and I’ll clue you in to what kind of guy I am. Passive/aggressive scenerios telling me to fuck off will get an aggressive/aggressive response from me. As true fans of this post will tell you, we tell it like is, here. If you require non-confrontational “journalism” go buy into the brain washers at Yahoo’s blogs. Have a nice day.

  2. You actually put up some good facts, a lot that hasn’t been mentioned in other articles. Too often anymore, people want to just speculate without posting facts to back it up. However, on the other side of the coin, it’s not the Christianity thing that makes me dislike the guy, it’s the jogging to the photographers, then “praying” that irks me. Praying isn’t a photo op, it’s a time for mediation, thanks, and/or praise to whatever diety one may worship. Were it truly not about himself, he should drop where he is and “Tebow” not jog where the best picture can be snapped and do it. It’s no different than an endzone celebration.

    That being said, let me “Tebow” to you, all mighty JB, for stirring the shit (even with me), that makes The Throwdown what it is.

    • Take note, Anonymous posters. THAT is how you argue on the ThrowDown. Make your point, have a solid opinion, and for all that is right in the world, don’t bait us into an arguement for the sole purpose of attempting to appear intelligent. Again, go join the ranks of Yahoo commenters if that’s what you’re after. That being said, Big Angry, I’ll give you the photo op thing, well played. It would prove more credible if he also did that move after 200 sit ups when there weren’t any cameras around. But it still stands. Plenty of players do the prayer thing, and have for several years. I don’t get why Tebow is the only target here. As far as “Tebowing” to me…well I return the gesture. You gave me no choice but to run this article, after the monster post on The Walking Dead you wrote that seems to be everywhere now. And you’re correct. The ThrowDown challenges all the mundane. The day we submit to “Who Wore it Better”, is the day we fold up shop.

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