POSTING BY JB MADDAWG
I’ve watched professional football a long time. So long, in fact, I seem to now have the ability to slice through any bullshit I hear from sports reporters and team spokesmen. I not only love the game, I love the business of football because lest we all forget, it is in fact, a business. That being said, I would now like to reveal my true calling as a pro sports agent. And I would love to have Tim Tebow as a client.
That’s right, I said it. Obviously the dumb asses at XV Management can’t seem to get out in front of the current “where is Tebow going to play” circus, so I’ll have to do it. In fact, I’d already be quite a few steps ahead in the process, at this point. Don’t believe me? Here’s how I’d be handling the current status of the young QB.
- Immediately upon hearing the news Peyton Manning was signed by Denver, I’d pat Tebow on the shoulder and say, “Shake it off, Timmy. Just relish in the fact that resident horse’s ass John Elway is no longer in the driver seat for your career.”
- I would then immediately contact horse’s ass Elway and inform him to “be a man, grow a pair and give Tebow his unconditional release. You’ve done enough to ‘help’ Tim.”
- Then the phone barrage. I would contact around 10-12 teams, letting them know Tebow is available. No trades or strings attatched. Make an offer. Obviously, only the Tebow as a starter offers would be at the top of the list.
- Any team arguing that Tebow “isn’t mechanically sound as a quarterback” would be informed that on a team of circus clowns, Tebow threw a whopping SIX interceptions. Six. Hardly a far cry from the eye-popping 28 that even the great Peyton Manning threw in his first year as a starter. I would also inform any team questioning technique that if they don’t have enough confidence in their quarterbacks coach to work with a player that can be molded to fit their needs, then maybe they should start firing staff members.
- Among these calls would be one to the Minnesota Vikings. They would be told that any team stupid enough to sign Donovan McNabb to a long-term deal can only upgrade. I would end that call letting them know that if they’re too afraid of fielding an offense, then have fun in the NFL basement again.
- Another call? The Cleveland Browns. I would inform Mike Holmgren that a team fielding 16 QB’s since 1999 have no room to debate anybody. Quite obviously, the man who had to keep Brett Favre’s “gunslinger” style in check would have no problem working with the much more picky Tebow. Then again, if the Browns would like to continue being a high school team, they should just keep doing what they’re doing. Losing.
- Quite obviously, any team from Florida would be welcome to place bids. Lest we forget Tebow was the key factor in winning a National Championship for the Florida Gators, not to mention the Heismann trophy. But you know, those baubles are irrelevant. Sure. That’s why so much emphasis is put on winning them.
- Proving that I’ve got mad multi-tasking skills, I would also schedule myself on any sports talk show that would like to debate the skills set of Tebow. Statements such as “Tebow isn’t starter material” would prompt me to hold up photographs of Matt Leinart, Tim Couch and Ryan Leaf. Those players, are not starting material. And apparently, he’s more of a starter than Kyle Orton, who was the picked starter by Elway and company last season when the mighty Broncos had a 1-4 record. And that’s the stat that out rules them all. WINS. WINS. WINS. Not completion rating, not attendance records. Tim Tebow took a shit football team and shoved them into the playoffs. Fact.
But my favorite debate would be about the Christianity nonsense. Personally, I don’t care if the guy worships a head of lettuce, I’m interested in his ability to play football. Any discussion of religion would have me silently relaying the phone number of one Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens. Yes, THAT Ray Lewis. The Ray Lewis that beat a murder rap by bribing and plea bargaining out of a lifetime in prison. The Ray Lewis that can’t find his white suit which he was wearing the evening of the murders. The same Ray Lewis that now refers to himself as a “reverend” and gives lectures about religion before each game. But nobody in the world of sports journalism will bring that up, will they? That’s probably because there is no danger in assaulting the views and beliefs of the quiet white kid. I have no hang ups, and will go on every record to call the Apostle Ray Lewis a fucking thug and a phony. Let’s see a chicken shit like Bill Maher make that statement.
Wrapping up, Tebow will find a new team, much to the chagrin of the critics. There have been far worse players and people in the NFL to helm a team on the field. Let us not forget we live in a world where Trent Dilfer has a SuperBowl ring.
*Update* Tim Tebow has been traded to The New York Jets for a 4th Round Draft choice. Still doing favors for Tim, eh, Elway? All I can say is, if the Broncos don’t go to and win the SuperBowl, you can always go back to selling used cars.