POSTING BY JB MADDAWG
As I have for the past few years, I settled in on Sunday afternoon to watch the SuperBowl by myself. I used to attend a party every year, but the “friend” that hosts it is the modern-day version of Cliff Claven from the show “Cheers”, and won’t STFU for over a minute. Just gimme a shot, and I’ll take peace and quiet every time.
The game was mildly entertaining, with the New York Giants upending the New England Patriots 21-17. The Patriots had a chance to drive the final nail in New York’s coffin, but New England wide receiver Wes “Stonehands” Welker dropped a golden pass, and will probably be ostracized by the highly fickle Boston crowd. Oh well.
Honestly, I could have cared less about the game, as I don’t give a rat’s ass about the Patriots or Giants, and even the ads really aren’t that entertaining any more. Maybe deep down, I was hoping Madonna would freak out at half time, rip off her plastic face and unveil herself as the ultimate source of evil. Hey, it could happen.
Instead, I got two lackluster teams, hell-bent on winning a trophy that both teams had already won several times before, an NBC broadcast that seemed more interested in promoting what a great network (yeah, sure) NBC is, television ads that were either stupid or condescending and of course, all topped off by a half time extravaganza featuring a useless old tart that should be in the “really, she’s still alive?” category?
Most of the country decided to focus on the ads this morning rather than the actual game, since let’s be honest, 99% of us aren’t from New York or Boston. The ads were a waste, and pretty much tells the tale when all the morning news people list the commercials they thought were “cute”. Me? I enjoyed politician Peter Hoekstra’s commercial slamming current Michigan Senator Debbie Stabenow, featuring an Asian girl riding a bike and speaking broken English. On the thin-skinned list this morning is the Michigan Chapter of the Asian and Pacific Islander American Vote(no seriously, I couldn’t make shit like that up if I tried)who labeled the ad as a “dangerous stereo-type”. I think most of us were just surprised Michigan is still a part of the U.S., and hadn’t been sold to Canada in our annual “remanent states garage sale”.
Of course, NBC being the hosting network of the game, General Electric was allowed to air an ad ballyhooing what a great company they are and how they alone are proceeding into the future with yet more green technology that will probably fail miserably. Try paying some taxes once in a while, and maybe next time, there won’t be a mass exodus to the veggie dip table during your commercial, assholes.
Then of course there was the “let’s see if we can jam Betty White into every spot” crowd. Sorry, folks. I have a newsflash, Betty White=not funny. She wasn’t funny three decades ago. Go somewhere else for granny exploitation. Let it go.
And speaking of grannies…Madonna was able to once again don her best pair of control top briefs and serenade us with songs that only the forty-something gay and lesbian crowd could remember. Somewhere deep down in places I don’t talk about at parties, I was hoping they’d also invited Elton John, where Sir Elton would have had enough, called Madge a “cheap harlot” and attempted to gouge her eyes out, or at least, glitter bomb her. Seriously, wtf? Madonna as a half time SuperBowl show? Why not have the entire cast of “Mamma Mia” next year? I think it’s time NFL commissioner Roger Goodell come to grips with the fact that he may be playing for the other team. And I’m not talking about the Vikings.
All in all, it was pretty much a waste of air time. Be with us next year when the Pittsburg Steelers take on The Green Bay Packers in a SuperBowl that even less people will care about, and a half-time show where Lady Gaga will bear her penis.
And people wonder why the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet gets huge ratings every year. I know I’d tune in if Bill Belichick took a leak in Tom Brady’s waterdish.