The Top Ten Signs You’re A Pretentious Dick


There’s no dressing this one up.  I usually come up with a decent lead in paragraph for what you’re about to read, but this time I’ll let the title speak for itself.  With no apologies, I offer…the top ten signs you’re a pretentious dick.

#10.  You brag to others that you play chess.  Seriously, nobody gives a shit.  It’s a game.  You can dress it up all you want by saying “it requires strategy and thought”.  So does Zombies vs. Plants.  Get the fuck over yourself.

#9.  You reference classic literature and/or writers.  Again, nobody gives a shit.  Unless you wrote “Pride and Prejudice”, it’s not impressing anybody.  Just start quoting anything from “The Great Gatsby” at a social event and watch people walk away from you in droves.

#8.  You correct others’ grammar.  This seems to be a new one, as many of the younger crowd love to call other people out on grammar or spelling.  Stop it.  You’re making an ass out of yourself, and a social misfit at the same time.  There’s a reason most English professors don’t go out much.  Get the hint.

#7.  You spout conspiracy theories.  Honestly, not cool.  Not only are you being the paranoid weirdo in the room, but you look like an idiot by saying things like “9-11 was an inside job because you can’t melt steel!”.  All you’re proving is that your dumb ass has never heard of a forge.  Until then, keep trying to prove that there’s a New World Order, freak.

#6.  You have a dissenting opinion on everything.  From government to religion to the secret formula for Coke, you’re the dipshit that always has to have an argument.  People were trolls long before the internet came about.  They usually butted in to decent conversations with shit like, “I disagree.  I play chess, read Kipling and took five credit hours of pre-Law.”  Again, pick up a hint when people start walking away from you.

#5.  You rattle on about how wonderful YOUR country is.  Again, seriously, we’re all laughing at you.  If it’s such a land of milk and honey, maybe you should haul your miserable ass back there.  Here in America, it’s considered rude, and trust me, we could list plenty of things that are wrong with YOUR country.

#4.  You brag about your child’s job.  This one’s for the older crowd.  Pride in your child is fine.  Going on for twenty minutes about little Reginald being the chief spin doctor for whatever, isn’t.  Trust me, someone listening is gonna remember when Reginald was 15 and got caught playing with himself next to girls’ locker room.  And they WILL bring it up.

#3.  You brag to others that you play golf.  Just like the chess entry.  If you’re that good at a recreational sport, then contact the U.S. Open and try to qualify.  Otherwise, STFU.

#2.  You drop coffee references.  This is really becoming a problem.  It all started in California, and now every asshole thinks that sipping a latte in Starbucks or Barnes and Noble makes them better than the average pleb.  You really want to be cutting edge?  Go to a Starbucks and order coffee flavored coffee.  People will piss their Dockers and pantsuits.

#1.  You write a blog and call others pretentious dicks.  What?  You think I’m that pretentious that I can’t take a shot at myself?  It’s easy to spout off what you find pretentious.  Usually in those moments where I judge most of the world as a bunch of phonies, I catch a glimpse of myself and realize I’m an ass as well, for being an opinionated jackhole.  But, it’s all worth it if you, the reader, knows someone who could fit in this list.  I know, personally, my ex father-in-law qualifies for at least four of ’em.

Merry Christmas, goodwill towards men, and all that stuff.



Filed under General Misbehaving, Mishmosh Ranting

14 responses to “The Top Ten Signs You’re A Pretentious Dick

  1. This is the best list ever. It’s great because it applies to both men AND women! Also I would have to add the “My God is better than your God” argument.

  2. Bonni

    You are the pretentious little git (little? Believe me I’m big enough to whomp on your entire Limey prick family), this whole post is pretentious (duh, fuckface. That’s why I wrote it) especially in regards to 911( Shouldn’t you be out building roadside bombs instead of reading big American style infidel blog posts?) anyway u have a shit blog (thousands of people are laughing at you right now), good day! (Eat shit and crawl back to the third world shithole that belched you out.)

    *edits by JB Maddawg

  3. Neil Skywalker

    Nice article and I agree with most of your points but NR 5 is laughable. I never met people who bragged more than Americans about their great country where everything is better. The sheer amount of arrogance and ignorance is shocking at times. Some Americans made me feel like they invented the world and everything on it where in real life they barely invented anything besides fast food.
    Quite humorous is that Americans keep calling football soccer and insult 192 countries who do call it the correct name of Football including the British who invented both the sport and the English language.
    American Football should be named Hand-egg.
    How about the totally illogical measurement system Americans use. yards,feet,inches,lbs and hahaha Fahrenheit LOL.

    That said, Besides meeting lots of ignorant loud Americans on the road, I’ve met plenty of cool Americans abroad and was pleasantly surprised by the friendliness of Americans in NY and DC.

    I’m Dutch,36 and have been in over 50 countries.

    • Thanks for the input, Neil, but you’re off the mark about NR 5. People across the world love to hate on America, tell us we “had it coming” during moments like 9-11 and generally forget anything we did in the past (we were a pretty big reason most of Europe doesn’t speak mainly German nowadays). All that being said, anytime there’s an earthquake, typhoon, tsunami or generally a country has a slight fever, the rest of the world looks to us to send a giant check (which is basically my tax dollars) and skilled workers to help offset the calamity. We’re not arrogant Neil. We’re sick of the co-dependent bullshit from countries that can’t get a clue. If all you have is a lame argument about soccer, I hate to be the one to break it to you, soccer sucks. Tell you what though. If you can take a hit from my Chicago Bears’ Brian Urlacher without blacking out, you can rename football whatever you want. God bless America, Neil, and thanks for your comment.

      • That, Ladies and Gentlemen, is why I follow The Throwdown. I couldn’t have said it better myself, JB, and people have paid me money to say things.

        I was raised by immigrant parents and grandparents who loved this country, were proud to say the Pledge of Allegiance and to pay taxes. Millions of people have added to our numbers because we made them welcome, even at the detriment of ourselves at times. Very few countries have as large a welcome mat as we do.

        Another point worth mentioning is this: Our nation has the greatest Military in the modern world, supported by men and women who join voluntarily. Stepping up to defend your nation because you are arrogant enough to think it is worth defending goes a long way, my Dutch friend.

        Say what you want about our sports, media, fast food or politics; when you cross one of us, you cross all of us.

      • Well put, H.E. My relatives are just like yours, they worked hard to build this country, just like millions of others here. I welcome all people that come here legally, and hope to build a life in our country. It’s what makes us, “US”. But I’m not running down my country because some jerk read about our history in a book. My father got shot at for over a year in Southeast Asia, and now gets an extra $6 in social security for it. And he still loves our country. As do I, and nothing’s going to change that.

      • Come on man, American war movies are not real history. 90% of war time fighting and suffering was done by the Brits and mostly the Russians. I’m not saying the yanks did jack shit ( they did provide lots of material aid and money) but the fighting effort was mainly done by the Russians and Brits. The Russians alone suffered 20 million deaths in those 5 years. I would even dare to say that thanks to Hitler the US rose as a super power since they were a sleeping giant back then. Well played Americans I give you that.
        The percentage of human aid based on GDP given by the Americans is the laughing stock of Europe. Most countries including my on country of Holland give about 0.7 % of GDP as the US is giving a mere 0.19%. Yes, in absolute terms the most money but highly doubtful. Yet, they don’t mind spending 4.6% on Military.
        They can’t even take care of themselves in case of emergency. For example Katerina. Guess which little country had to send engineers to help out the USA with their water problems and bad infra structure.
        I’m no left wing do gooder (far from it) but these facts can’t be denied.

        About sports: Well, that depends on the person and culture I guess. In Holland (freed by Canadians and Polish in WW2 btw) we don’t like American Egg-ball or baseball.

      • Honestly Neil, I stopped reading you after you wrote that the Brits and Russians suffered the most of WW 2. No, that title actually goes to the Jews. If you ever come back to DC, take a stroll through Arlington cemetery. Many of those men died face down on the beaches of France, or at Point du Hoc. Next time, “thanks” will suffice. And you’ve reached your comment limit. Thanks for playing.

  4. Hmm it looks like your website ate my first comment (it was super long) so
    I guess I’ll just sum it up what I submitted and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog.

    I too am an aspiring blog writer but I’m still new to everything. Do you have any points for beginner blog writers? I’d really
    appreciate it.

  5. That is bullshit ! Rubbish . Lets not talk than ,lets just stay quite .She is an idiot . Most women are delusional idiots so ….

    • What the blue hell are you taking about, Ivan? And look at the pic at the sidebar. I’m a guy. And you’re a douche. Spout your sexist bullshit to someone that can understand broken English, you wank.

  6. Alisha

    This is so true, I know a person who is exactly like that 😂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s