POSTING BY JB MADDAWG
There’s no dressing this one up. I usually come up with a decent lead in paragraph for what you’re about to read, but this time I’ll let the title speak for itself. With no apologies, I offer…the top ten signs you’re a pretentious dick.
#10. You brag to others that you play chess. Seriously, nobody gives a shit. It’s a game. You can dress it up all you want by saying “it requires strategy and thought”. So does Zombies vs. Plants. Get the fuck over yourself.
#9. You reference classic literature and/or writers. Again, nobody gives a shit. Unless you wrote “Pride and Prejudice”, it’s not impressing anybody. Just start quoting anything from “The Great Gatsby” at a social event and watch people walk away from you in droves.
#8. You correct others’ grammar. This seems to be a new one, as many of the younger crowd love to call other people out on grammar or spelling. Stop it. You’re making an ass out of yourself, and a social misfit at the same time. There’s a reason most English professors don’t go out much. Get the hint.
#7. You spout conspiracy theories. Honestly, not cool. Not only are you being the paranoid weirdo in the room, but you look like an idiot by saying things like “9-11 was an inside job because you can’t melt steel!”. All you’re proving is that your dumb ass has never heard of a forge. Until then, keep trying to prove that there’s a New World Order, freak.
#6. You have a dissenting opinion on everything. From government to religion to the secret formula for Coke, you’re the dipshit that always has to have an argument. People were trolls long before the internet came about. They usually butted in to decent conversations with shit like, “I disagree. I play chess, read Kipling and took five credit hours of pre-Law.” Again, pick up a hint when people start walking away from you.
#5. You rattle on about how wonderful YOUR country is. Again, seriously, we’re all laughing at you. If it’s such a land of milk and honey, maybe you should haul your miserable ass back there. Here in America, it’s considered rude, and trust me, we could list plenty of things that are wrong with YOUR country.
#4. You brag about your child’s job. This one’s for the older crowd. Pride in your child is fine. Going on for twenty minutes about little Reginald being the chief spin doctor for whatever, isn’t. Trust me, someone listening is gonna remember when Reginald was 15 and got caught playing with himself next to girls’ locker room. And they WILL bring it up.
#3. You brag to others that you play golf. Just like the chess entry. If you’re that good at a recreational sport, then contact the U.S. Open and try to qualify. Otherwise, STFU.
#2. You drop coffee references. This is really becoming a problem. It all started in California, and now every asshole thinks that sipping a latte in Starbucks or Barnes and Noble makes them better than the average pleb. You really want to be cutting edge? Go to a Starbucks and order coffee flavored coffee. People will piss their Dockers and pantsuits.
#1. You write a blog and call others pretentious dicks. What? You think I’m that pretentious that I can’t take a shot at myself? It’s easy to spout off what you find pretentious. Usually in those moments where I judge most of the world as a bunch of phonies, I catch a glimpse of myself and realize I’m an ass as well, for being an opinionated jackhole. But, it’s all worth it if you, the reader, knows someone who could fit in this list. I know, personally, my ex father-in-law qualifies for at least four of ’em.
Merry Christmas, goodwill towards men, and all that stuff.