Satan Prepares to Release Titanic 3D


"You're so stupid, Rose"

The Devil incarnate himself, legendary asshole filmmaker James Cameron is punking us, once again.  As if using 1500 plus deaths as a backdrop for his everlasting love flick wasn’t  ghoulish enough, Jimbo has decided to return to the well, yet again.  That’s right human tragedy lovers, his nautical disaster staple, Titanic, will be re-released this coming April in 3D.  At press time, it sounds as if the film will just be put out in theaters with a 3D makeover, and no new footage will appear in the film.  But don’t cast any aspersions, if Cameron could get around all those pesky exhumation laws, he’d probably prop Gloria Stuart up in the flick and scream at her to act more like a human being.

Sound like I’m being a bit heavy-handed on the man who holds the number one and two top grossing films of all time? No more judgemental than Cameron is, himself.  Just remember this is the guy that calls autograph seekers assholes, and people who don’t bow to his personal opinions as “boneheads” and “swine”.

I’ll have to admit, there are plenty of Cameron films I enjoy, and I think he’s a director that gets things done.  He’s a wild-eyed taskmaster, but in the end, he knows how to play to his occupational strengths.  That being said, it doesn’t take away from the fact that the guy is a five-star egomaniac.  Let’s face it, not too many directors can have the bucket-sized balls to mash-up Dances With Wolves, Pocahontas, put it in space, and then say “The experience of Avatar will be an experience unlike any other movie.”  Sure, because things like plot should always take a back seat to special effects, in a post George Lucas world.

The larger problem with the re-release of this film is the fact that we now seem to live in an age where spackling on a good coating of 3D seems to be an excuse for everything.  Hollywood is so out of touch that a strong story isn’t enough to get a decent film green-lighted, it has to have gimmicks and eye candy to justify charging around ten bucks for a supremely sub-par product.  All one has to do is watch a 3D film…*cough, Avatar, cough cough*, without the 3D to see just how amazingly weak it becomes.

I’ll put it out there, Cameron is an excellent director, his God complex not withstanding, but he is one of the driving forces behind this new age of CG crap that dominates the movie landscape.  It’s time to get back to making movies that can hold a viewer’s attention for a couple of hours without the need to wear special glasses.  It’s like the cheap horror flicks of the late 1950’s are back, with a ticket price that average families can’t afford.

Maybe fifteen years from now, the new trend will be a return to things like “Smell-O-Vision”, and Cameron can whip up a vat of blue alien stink for the re-release of Avatar so big Hollywood can make a few more bucks for bringing our olfactory senses into the mix.  Sorry, asshole.  I’ll be over in the other theater, where twenty bucks will get you a ticket and a wooden stake for the interactive Twilight re-release. I call dibs on Ashley Greene.

I’m JB, and Cameron’s ass  just got Throwdown, without the need for a third dimension.



Filed under Mishmosh Ranting, Movies

2 responses to “Satan Prepares to Release Titanic 3D

  1. Oh my God interactive Twilight. AWESOME.

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