News, You Cannot Use

Useless news from around the web

POSTING BY JB MADDAWG

In homage to a radio bit I used to listen to on my drive home, The Throwdown presents, News…You Cannot Use. Lemme clue you in on this one, when you see a bit like this on our blog, you know the regular news stories of recent days are so terrible, so boring that we had to do a mash-up of all the garbage that’s floating around now. 

I was halfway through a post called “Miley Cyrus, Pull Your Head Out of Your Ass Young Lady”, when I came to the conclusion that it was absolute drek.  Then, I chased after the video of Britney Spears giving Joe Jonas a lap dance, hoping for some good comedy material.  Right.  There’s 30 seconds of my life I’ll never get back.  It was less lap dance, more pro wrestling hold.  Finally, it was on to the planning stages of “Five Documented Reasons Why Steven Tyler is an Imbecile”.  After reason number two, I stalled.  Turns out he isn’t as big of an imbecile as I first suspected, just more of an asshole.

That’s when I decided to run with the quick-hitters.  You know, the stuff that really doesn’t yield more than just a paragraph.  So without further sayonara, News…You Cannot Use.

  • Forget the normal legalities of getting divorced.  Who cares what some guy in a black robe says?  Kim Kardashian finalized the end of her marriage by unfollowing soon to be ex Mr. Kardashian, Kris Humphries on Twitter.  Cuttin’ deep, Kimmy.
  • On a sad note, Dippin’ Dots the “Ice Cream of the Future” filed for bankruptcy.  This does not bode well for the road ahead.
  • The protest /hacker group Anonymous is showing up more and more to Occupy Wall Street.  A member of the group protesting profits was selling their symbolic Guy Fawkes masks to other members, for $5.  And he got them online from China.  To stave off the massive ass beating the group is about to get from the people who actually work for a living, they may want to switch to Darkman masks. 
  • Ex reality/professional MTV game show star Tonya Cooley claims she was raped on the set of  the”Road Rules/Real World Challenge” two years ago.  You know, MTV, you could avoid all this bullshit if you JUST PLAYED VIDEOS.
  • This one is for my co-blogger, Big Angry.  The Lou Reed/Metallica offering of “Lulu” was released this week.  Early reviews call the joint project  “like a lead singer with a tracheotomy joining a group of tone-deaf musicians without hands or muscle control.”  Wow.  Get in line for your concert tee-shirt with that written on it.
  • Reese Witherspoon parted with her almost $4000 python handbag simply because PETA sent her a video about the exotic handbag industry.  In a related story, The Throwdown is filming a new documentary about how women’s underwear is bad for the environment, and will be mailing it to several offending actresses.
  • Canada is thinking of unloading the beaver as its national symbol, opting for possibly a polar bear.  The switch is apparently not because of the slew of adult jokes that can be made about the animal, yet more to distance itself from the  2011 Mel Gibson film.
  • Since the cancellation of her reality show, Kate Gosselin has a new occupation as a writer for a coupon blog.  Her first article titled “F*&K Off, One Per Customer” should be riveting.  She’s also said to be huge into pinging.  (Little blogging humor for you.)
  • And finally…big middle finger up at the idiots over at gammasquad.com for unveiling a major plot turn on “The Walking Dead”.  Not only that, they even listed the series as being on HBO. After reading crap like that, I can’t believe we do The Throwdown for free. 

That’s it.  Here’s hoping next week will actually yield something to actually report on.  I’m JB, saying you just got half-assed Throwdown.

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6 Comments

Filed under Mishmosh Ranting

6 responses to “News, You Cannot Use

  1. I can’t believe Kim. I mean, cheat on a man with his best friend, crash his prized car, spit in his mother’s eye but don’t unfollow him on Twitter! That’s just heartless.

  2. I’ve got an appointment with Netflix and The Walking Dead Season One this weekend. Between you guys here and my kid Junior I think I need to see this show.

    And you should find a sponsor for this blog. I’m shooting for Talisker for mine, if for nothing more than some free samples.

    • Trust me, you won’t be sorry with the Walking Dead. Big Angry did the same one weekend with Netflix (back when there was only Season one)and believe he said he sat through the whole season in one day. And I’m all about selling out to a sponsor. If it’s free, it’s for me. I know you’ve mentioned Gibson guitars before, which might I add, are the finest crafted instruments in the world. After winning awards for quality, innovation and craftsmanship, I know I only play quality products from the finest luthiers in the world. Gibson.

  3. Aw hell. K Kardashian filing for divorce, okay, but Dippin’ Dots! No!

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