Who In the Hell Cares Where Matt Lauer Is?


I loathe NBC. I hate its snarky little sitcoms, I despise it’s huffy little news staff and Saturday Night Live has somehow found a way to be less funny than a variety show on the Disney channel called “So Random”. I’m pretty astounded anyone watches this crappy network at all, since the string of failures at NBC is so monumental, it spans just over two decades.

Sure, one could point to the peacock network botching the whole Jay Leno/Conan O’Brien late night change over, or maybe even around ten years before when NBC alienated David Letterman, forcing him to head for CBS. Or, one could go all the way back to the late 1980’s, when NBC got the bright idea to change primetime television to 7:30/6:30 central at night. Epic fail? No. Try gargantuan.

The network has stuck so many cop shows on prime time, I’m expecting “Law and Order: Meter Maid Division” to be rolling out soon. If these clods aren’t constantly trumpeting about their location at 30 Rock (seriously, nobody cares, it’s a building), Richard Belzer is telling me I should be more responsible and ride my bike to work on “The More You Know” segments. Fuck. Off.

All this, and I haven’t even gotten to NBC’s staple morning program, “The Today Show”. You know the show, it’s the one where Ann Curry pretends she’s a newswoman and has even earned a nickname in reporting as “The Butcher”, along with Matt Lauer, who seems to be alright, other than it’s not to hard to follow a ginormous a hole like Bryant Gumbel.  The show itself has been on forever, and recently, started seeing a lag in ratings. So, in order to set things right, NBC has once again started up “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?”, which had been shelved since 2009 due to the soft economy.

For one week, Lauer jets from location to location, secretly spanning the globe for a new venue daily. The Great Wall of China, Easter Island and even Richard Branson’s island home were previously visited by Lauer, but this time, he’s going to have to step up his game.
If NBC wants ratings, and if Lauer wants to hang on to his job, this is what we better see come November 7, on Monday morning:

  1. Day One.  Lauer appears bright and early at none other than the Playboy Mansion.  In the background, playmates parade around in thongs, while Lauer asks of Hugh Hefner “what up with the sailor’s hat?”
  2. Day Two.  Our intrepid traveller stands erect in Dildo, Newfoundland.  Not just a fancy name, Lauer shows viewers the posh Dildo Museum.
  3. Day Three.  Lauer dons a wetsuit and reports live from the Pacific Trash Vortex.  After being coated in sludge, Lauer makes the best of a bad situation with several quips about the absence of Kim Kardashian’s ass in the mass of floating plastic refuse.
  4. Day Four.  Littered with bags of Doritos, boxes of Coco Puffs and drinking Yoo Hoo, Lauer is sacked out on the ground in Amsterdam, commenting on “giant clouds that look just like Snoopy.”  Yeah, you’ll figure it out.
  5. Day Five.  Wrapping up his whirlwind tour, Lauer stops in at his final location, just down the street on the set of Good Morning, America.  Lauer turns in his resume and refers to Kathie Lee Gifford as “skankzilla” on air.

Will this happen?  No.  Should it happen?  Oh, Hell yes.  In fact, this year’s 10th anniversary of the segment will more than likely be so dull, next’s year’s edition will appear as “Where in the World is NBC’s Audience?”

I’m JB, looking forward to reading Dr. Rick Marshall’s now famous tome, “Matt Lauer Can Suck It”.  OH…and you’ve been Throwndown.



Filed under Mishmosh Ranting, Television

17 responses to “Who In the Hell Cares Where Matt Lauer Is?

  1. This segment idea is truly bewildering. Maybe Matt can go missing in Aruba and the Today show can report about it for four weeks until there’s another shark attack that shifts the focus.

  2. Wow…I’m liking the hostility. I think you should raise money for the children of Darfur by selling a pay-per-view broadcast of you kicking Matt Lauer’s ass live from 30 Rock. You could totally take him.

    • Love it. Actually, Big Angry even texted me last night, wondering just where in the Hell I was going with this until the end. Honestly, though, I think Lauer is an alright guy, he just needs to get away from that discount store network he’s on.

      • He needs to join THE THROWDOWN. But you should haze him, Parris Island style.

      • Hmmm. We’ve always said The TD was only gonna be the three of us, but since Ranty refuses to actually write anything OR get in front of the camera, maybe we could have Rants on the tech side, and put Lauer in the public section with Angry and myself. Then, next year, I can make HIM try to track down Brutus Beefcake’s crazy ass for an interview.

      • Or maybe I’ll show up in a push-up bra and let Brutus come to me. Just saying.

      • Awesome. Trust me, though. You don’t want go anywhere near Brutus. We cut his interview, because it just got…nutty. He started interviewing me. It’s one of the cutting room floor segments, along with me asking Erin Grey what the Hell happened to Kenny Rogers’ face. We’re currently thinking of making a montage of some of the goofy stuff. Thoughts?

      • I am absolutely CRYING over the Kenny Rogers remark! Yes, PLEASE make a blooper reel or other such nonsense. Seriously funny.

      • Good, I’ve got in writing, then. Rants cut the footage without telling me, and I was irate. He told me, “I can’t show that…for crying out loud, look how uncomfortable she is!” Then I saw the footage. Yeah. It’s a little over the top.

      • Jean Laurent

        OK – the post I’m replying to is old, but who the hell cares where Matt is now? I hope canned along with his stupid side-kick Savanah! This show reminds me of ET (Entertainment Today!) Stupid, fluffy, Nat’l Inquirer crap.

      • Agree. I remember the show from way back, and NBC should be embarrassed. Their news department still can’t figure out how to connect with the public. Thanks for chiming in!

    • Oh, and you’re right. I’d totally whip his ass and take his lunch money.

  3. Hahaha. Stands erect at the Dildo museum. Good stuff….

    NBC is becoming a laughingstock.

  4. What a crock for a news show, who cares where Matt is — I sure don’t…

    • Agreed. I’m surprised they still aren’t chirping about the Edward R. Murrow award. They used to promo all their news shows with how they won an award that all the other networks just kinda threw in the closet. Never thought journalism was supposed to be about awards.

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