POSTING BY JB MADDAWG
I loathe NBC. I hate its snarky little sitcoms, I despise it’s huffy little news staff and Saturday Night Live has somehow found a way to be less funny than a variety show on the Disney channel called “So Random”. I’m pretty astounded anyone watches this crappy network at all, since the string of failures at NBC is so monumental, it spans just over two decades.
Sure, one could point to the peacock network botching the whole Jay Leno/Conan O’Brien late night change over, or maybe even around ten years before when NBC alienated David Letterman, forcing him to head for CBS. Or, one could go all the way back to the late 1980’s, when NBC got the bright idea to change primetime television to 7:30/6:30 central at night. Epic fail? No. Try gargantuan.
The network has stuck so many cop shows on prime time, I’m expecting “Law and Order: Meter Maid Division” to be rolling out soon. If these clods aren’t constantly trumpeting about their location at 30 Rock (seriously, nobody cares, it’s a building), Richard Belzer is telling me I should be more responsible and ride my bike to work on “The More You Know” segments. Fuck. Off.
All this, and I haven’t even gotten to NBC’s staple morning program, “The Today Show”. You know the show, it’s the one where Ann Curry pretends she’s a newswoman and has even earned a nickname in reporting as “The Butcher”, along with Matt Lauer, who seems to be alright, other than it’s not to hard to follow a ginormous a hole like Bryant Gumbel. The show itself has been on forever, and recently, started seeing a lag in ratings. So, in order to set things right, NBC has once again started up “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?”, which had been shelved since 2009 due to the soft economy.
For one week, Lauer jets from location to location, secretly spanning the globe for a new venue daily. The Great Wall of China, Easter Island and even Richard Branson’s island home were previously visited by Lauer, but this time, he’s going to have to step up his game.
If NBC wants ratings, and if Lauer wants to hang on to his job, this is what we better see come November 7, on Monday morning:
- Day One. Lauer appears bright and early at none other than the Playboy Mansion. In the background, playmates parade around in thongs, while Lauer asks of Hugh Hefner “what up with the sailor’s hat?”
- Day Two. Our intrepid traveller stands erect in Dildo, Newfoundland. Not just a fancy name, Lauer shows viewers the posh Dildo Museum.
- Day Three. Lauer dons a wetsuit and reports live from the Pacific Trash Vortex. After being coated in sludge, Lauer makes the best of a bad situation with several quips about the absence of Kim Kardashian’s ass in the mass of floating plastic refuse.
- Day Four. Littered with bags of Doritos, boxes of Coco Puffs and drinking Yoo Hoo, Lauer is sacked out on the ground in Amsterdam, commenting on “giant clouds that look just like Snoopy.” Yeah, you’ll figure it out.
- Day Five. Wrapping up his whirlwind tour, Lauer stops in at his final location, just down the street on the set of Good Morning, America. Lauer turns in his resume and refers to Kathie Lee Gifford as “skankzilla” on air.
Will this happen? No. Should it happen? Oh, Hell yes. In fact, this year’s 10th anniversary of the segment will more than likely be so dull, next’s year’s edition will appear as “Where in the World is NBC’s Audience?”
I’m JB, looking forward to reading Dr. Rick Marshall’s now famous tome, “Matt Lauer Can Suck It”. OH…and you’ve been Throwndown.