Please Stop Stalking Me, Rachel McAdams.

POSTING BY JB MADDAWG

Picture it. Last week, early evening. I’m having computer trouble, the Netflix story had just broken, Big Angry has vowed to put out his post on the story by later that night. I’m high-tailing it through the parking lot of Best Buy to my trusty cherry red hoopty, which I’ve bought new, sold and strangely bought back from the high school kid I sold it to, in a strange set of circumstances. I’m trying to get back to The Cell, so I can have dinner, and put the stamp on Angry’s post for the night. As I unlock the door of the vehicle, I quickly notice an all white Mercedes slowing, and coming to a stop directly behind me.

I glance over my shoulder, only to see the driver is a nondescript caucasian female, mid-thirties, no priors. Kidding, I have a friend that’s a cop, thought he’d get a kick out of that. Yet, I did notice a tuft of red hair, as the vehicle, which I thought was waiting for my parking spot, sped off. Focused only on the potential downfall of Reed Hastings, CEO of Netflix, I ignore the incident and continue on my way.

Cut to early this Saturday morning. Just as I’m brewing my morning cup of coffee, the phone, not the good one(yes, there’s a difference) rings. The following is a brief transcript of said call:

JB: Hello?

RM: (brief pause) Mr. Bloomquist?

JB: Yep, this is he.

RM: Good morning! This is #&@*% from Comcast, how are you today?

JB: I’m sorry, the phone broke up, you’re who?

RM: Oh! I’m Rachel, from Comcast!

(My blood ran cold. Suddenly, all the pieces fit perfectly.)

JB: Ah. Rachel. From… “Comcast”. Hello.

RM: Well, sir, I see you’re not currently a Comcast subscriber. Is that correct?

JB: Yes, Rachel, it is. Do you happen to be Canadian, Rachel?

RM: (nervous laughter) Uh, no…

JB: Hmmm. Ok, please…continue.

RM: Oh, well I just wanted to let you know, we have several packages that may interest you, do you have a few minutes while I go over them?

JB: No, I really don’t Rachel. Don’t take it the wrong way, but really, this has to stop. By the way, I was pleasantly surprised by The Time Traveller’s Wife.

Obviously, I terminated the call after that. No need to pour salt in Mc’s wounds. Look, I’m sure Rachel’s a super swell girl, and is she cute as a button? You bet. We’re just too different. She’s all Eco-friendly and ice skating. I’m all Me-friendly and high sticking. My idea of recycling is letting the guy at Walgreen’s keep the change.  I’ll just blame that on it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks.

Look, I’ll even be kind and pass along a website Rachel has with a couple of friends.  Just go to www.greenissexy.org, and if you’re all Eco and such, I’m sure you’ll dig.   As for me, well, Rachel will just have to visit The Throwdown, and think of what might have been.  We’ll always have the Best Buy parking lot, Rach.  

As for you, TD readers, your ass just got throwndown.  Without the need for a restraining order.

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Filed under General Misbehaving, Mishmosh Ranting

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