Missing Apple: It’s Not a Droid You’re Looking For

POSTING BY BIG ANGRY

It was reported over the Labor Day weekend that the Apple corporation had enlisted the assistance of the San Francisco police force to obtain a lost Apple device. This device may or may not have been a prototype iPhone 5 that was left at a mariachi bar by an Apple engineer. Of course, this is the second time in two years that a prototype iPhone has been “left” at a bar by one of Apple’s employees.

This leads me to make three distinct conclusions: 1) Apple engineers, while highly intelligent and innovative in their field, are next to worthless in reliability. Hell, even my 7-year-old knows how to put his Nintendo DS away when he’s finished playing with it.  2) Apple employees like to party.  A lot.  I mean like a naked man jumping out of your trunk a lot. How else could you explain why two Apple devices could go missing in a bar?  Unless, of course, you consider my third conclusion: with the release of the new iOS and iPhone versions reportedly coming in the next month, Apple figures the stolen prototype worked well for marketing last time, why not try it again?

Ok, let’s say that this wasn’t some publicity stunt and the phone was, in fact, unintentionally lost. This means that those who are left in charge of testing what could arguably be Apple’s most prized possession are irresponsible on level that’s frightening.  The last time that I, Big Angry, have seen this kind of ineptness not once, but twice, would be the failure of the IT department on the Death Star to keep its plans safe. Really, you can develop light speed, intergalactic travel, and a space station capable of destroying a planet but a simple antivirus/hacking program is somehow unattainable?  Same goes for Apple; you can build it to be a gps, have it perform video calls, provide a crystal clear display, stream movies, and still give it a better battery life than its competitors. Unfortunately both the iPhone 4 and 5 prototypes contain a design flaw that renders them suddenly impossible to hold on to after a few margaritas. Epic fail.

Personally, I love the iPhone. I’ve owned three generations of the phone (either trading the older ones in or passing it on to family) and plan on continuing this pattern in the future. I am also excited to see what the next generation of this line of phones has to offer. However, do I really want to read spoiler alerts on an “illegally” obtained iPhone prototype?  Well, yeah, I do. Though, I’m also enjoying reading speculations on what the next-gen phone will have to offer. You know, widgets, a camera icon on the lock screen, facial recognition, and my favorite: the fact that it will transform into a small robot and dry hump Megan Fox’s leg incessantly.

So, Apple, let’s try a new way to market the next-gen iPhone. Maybe you can build the hype by giving fans a small glance at various aspects of the phone available on the site for 24 hour periods. Provide the fans with teaser bits that will not only feed the hype, but raise the speculation to an all new level. Also, if you want to test it, give it to my seven-year old. Not only will he enjoy its new features, there’s a pretty good chance he won’t lose it in a bar either.

Consider yourself served an Apple turnover. Throwdown style.

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1 Comment

Filed under General Misbehaving, Mishmosh Ranting, Technology, Uncategorized

One response to “Missing Apple: It’s Not a Droid You’re Looking For

  1. Dry humping Megan Fox’s leg? There’s an app for that?!?

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