POSTING BY JB MADDAWG
Now, if you’re a true fan of The Throwdown, and you should be, because we don’t do posts on how to make doilies that look like Amelda Marcos, or prattle on for four pages about how PBS is depressing, then you would know we occasionally like to break the entertainment news and notes up with some stuff to just plain get a grin. Why? ‘Cause we’re funny guys, that’s why. If you really wanted sleep-inducing garbage, let’s face it, you’d be reading a newspaper. Screw geopolitics. It’s my job to give you something you can actually wrap your brain around. This time, it’s all about bad movie villains.
When I say bad movie villains, I don’t mean Darth Vader or that guy with a cow skull on his head from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I mean movie villains that just might have looked better on paper. Not following? Arrg. Here, lemme show you:
Dr. Jonas Miller, (Twister) played by Cary Elwes
“He’s not in it for the science, he’s in it for the money!” Alright, quick lesson, stormchasing=no money. Ever. Stormchasers that claim to be in it for the money are just trying to get laid. There’s a reason they hang out at the local college and drive a ’74 Vega, with one door still in primer. So when Bill Paxson uttered this completely ridiculous line in the movie Twister, it was a tip of the hat that Dr. Jonas Miller wasn’t exactly gonna play out to be Lex Luthor. C’mon, the guy received a government grant to chase wind. He didn’t poison the town water supply with Round Up or smash an elementary school with a 50 foot mechanical ocelot. So what if he stole the idea for stormchasing equipment from Bill Paxson and Helen Hunt? Corporate espionage is a way of life, folks, just ask Bill Gates. For this, Dr. Jonas Miller is a movie villain failure.
Philip Stuckey (Pretty Woman) played by Jason Alexander
Ah, a corporate attorney that isn’t morally centered? What a stretch of the imagination. I’m really amazed that people took to hating this guy when the movie was first released. Did he rough up Julia Roberts and behave like a boorish oaf? You bet. Did he eat Julia Roberts’ liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti? No. Plus, if you’re lead to believe this is the first attorney to slap the daylights out of a hooker, I’ve got a newsflash. Furthermore, I didn’t hear anyone bitching about Richard Gere’s character, Edward, when he was taking apart companies and flushing their jobs down the toilet. You’re gonna tell me a prostitute just all of a sudden forced Edward to find his inner business moral compass? Honestly, screw everybody in this movie except the hotel manager and the guy driving the limo. For that, Philip Stuckey is a movie villain failure.
SPOILER ALERT…The Grass in the film, The Happening.
(Who am I kidding with the alert, nobody saw it anyway) Yes, the grass. This was M. Night Shayalaman’s cheap attempt to at least get environmentalists to come to one of his movies. We’ve done damage to the Earth, now the lawn’s getting even. Apparently, the grass in the film releases neurotoxins that drives people to commit suicide, because the grass feels threatened. I’ll say that again, to make sure you read it: the GRASS feels THREATENED. Ever seen movie heroes run from grass? Not as entertaining as one would think. Bet the folks at Toro were laughing their asses off when this pile of crap hit the theatres. For this, the grass is a movie villain failure.
Skynet(The Terminator Series)played by, well nobody, but it does present itself as Helen Bonham Carter for a bit.
Global destruction aside, Skynet was a pretty successful project. Look, what the Hell was everyone expecting from a computer with advanced A.I. and in control of the most powerful nuclear stockpile on the planet? Give Skynet props. It only took thirty seconds for this computerized beast to figure out humans are assholes. Skynet wasn’t evil, it just took shit a bit too literally. What I really want is an updated version showing Skynet tweeting before it takes us all out:
@humanrace, Just parked roughly 50 ICBM’s on Moscow’s front porch. Das Vidania! #youaresoscrewed
For this, Skynet is a movie villain failure.
After all, my readers, aren’t we all heroes and all villains at some point in our lives? No one truly believes that they are the antagonist. Well, except for Freddie Krueger. Homeboy’s just plain messed up. ‘Till next time, monkies…your ass has been throwndown.