Underworld Awakening (Since the Other Three Films Put Everyone To Sleep)




2012 has been viewed upon some as the calendar year for the end of the world.  Why?  I don’t know.  If you were to believe every single John Cusack film, then a plane full of convicts would have also crashed in the middle of downtown Las Vegas.  In any case, if 2012 will be the end of life as we know it, then why not ring in the apocalypse the right way, i.e., the next film in the Underworld franchise.

Now, don’t get huffy with me, dear reader.  I’m damn right nutty about British lovely Kate Beckinsale, and if you don’t believe me, just check out some of the older posts here at The Throwdown.  However, this, well I just can’t tolerate. Seriously, does anyone still remember what the Hell this series is even about? And, no, I don’t want to hear that this “kicks Twilights’ ass”.  Ishtar kicks Twilights’ ass.  As does Dick Tracy and The Postman. It’s not exactly a tough chore.

How many vampire v. werewolf films is the general movie-going public going to be forced to endure?  It’s enough to make one pray for a driving rain of wooden stakes and silver bullets.  Screw this!  Let’s get some originality, Hollywood!  Here, I’ll even start you off.  Mummies versus Chupacabras.  Hell, at this point, I’d even sit through Zombies versus Lawyers.

This pile of crud, though, I will not see.  When Len Wiseman, director of the first two films of the series,  starring Beckinsale,  won’t even touch this garbage and loosely refers to himself as “producer”  you know it’s really drek, even though his wife is the star.  To Wiseman’s defense, he does have a previous commitment directing (or destroying) the remake of Total Recall, starring Colin Farrell.

The thing that really is a crack here, is that in true  H Town fashion, they put it in 3D, you know, just in case two dimensions weren’t enough to make you want your hard-earned money back.  Anyway, here’s the trailer.  Have a pillow ready.


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Filed under General Misbehaving, Mishmosh Ranting, Movies

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