Celebrity Encounters: It’s Not Stalking If You Pay Them First

POSTING BY JB MADDAWG

Former NFL running back Tiki Barber wants to do your dishes, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Ever had that embarrassing moment where a fourth person is needed for a round of golf, and you don’t have enough friends in this world to put it together?  Too tired to mow your own lawn, and wish you could pay a random famous stranger to do it for you?  Well, look no further, socially challenged chore shirkers, the folks over at Thuzio have you covered.

For a mere handful of sheckles, now you can pay a “famous” person to get up close and personal with you and your friends, without all that unpleasant police and restraining order nonsense.  Allow me to elaborate.  Let’s say you’ve agreed to put on a Pampered Chef party, buy that damn Cindy Rae Donovan opposite your house in the cul-de-sac keeps showing you up with her amazing finger sandwiches and talented banter.  Now, even that party hosting score up and reclaim your neighborhood crown by having a pop in by NFL kicking legend Morten Anderson!  You’ll be killing the sales of horizontal can openers with one of the true gridiron greats to wow your guests.  Fees and conditions vary per event, of course.

Hosting not your thing?  Not a problem!  Some of the less fortunate of celebrities will even do general appearances for a “small” fee if you’d like.  So if you’re tired of putting off painting that three seasons room, just use Thuzio to contact U.S. gymnastics gold medalist Kerri Straug to come on over and do it right the first time, but those pesky Russian judges will probably only give her a 7.2 (canned laughter).

With Thuzio, the possibilites are endless.  That’s what former New York Giants running back Tiki Barber thought, when he found his broadcasting skills over at NBC weren’t exactly up to snuff.  So, Tiki did what any good former sports icon would do with no visible means of income.  He starting whoring himself out to any bar mitzvah that would take him on the eastern seaboard.  But, even public appearances can be tiresome when you come in direct contact with the unwashed public, so Tiki set up a business that would allow other celebrities to cash in on their former greatness.

When signing up to Thuzio, one can pick from a variety of interactions from the celebrities on the site, from as little as having a famous person record your voice mail message, or as big as a corporate sponsored event.  In short, the famous have now found a way to cut their agent’s percentage out of the mix.  You initiate contact, schedule the event, pay up front and boom.  There’s Miss New York, Elizabeth Tam, ready to white wash your picket fence, or just roll with you at your local bowling alley.  It’s really that simple.

Unfortunately, it’s not cheap, either.  If you think you’re going to have former head coach of the world champion Baltimore Ravens, Brian Billick to speak at your grandmother’s wake, it’s gonna cost you a cool $20,000.  And you have to feed him, so there’s that.  But all in all, it’s not such a terrible idea, once the layers of the deal are peeled back.  Think about it: sports memorabilia shows and comic book conventions pay these sorts a good deal of money to have the formerly famous sit and sign autographs all day.  On top of that, the celeb charges a crazy rate just to get a signed picture, and the fan may get all of five seconds in a long line to barely make eye contact with them.  Companies such as Wizard World have made a killing off of putting a celebrity in a line up and charging hundreds of dollars to have fans be in the same room as their idols.  Now Thuzio is here, and if a fan is going to shell out loads of cash to have a poor experience at a trade show, now, a few friends can pool their money to have former baseball pitcher Doug Drabek come to their house and show them all how to throw a curveball.  So, it’s not so terrible.

While the sports crowd can obviously take advantage of having a former PGA tour pro give up close golf tips, the other side of the coin is just to have a meet and greet.  I’m personally saving up to take out former Rockette Tamlyn Brooke Orlando to dinner, if I ever find myself in the greater Philadelphia area.  But don’t judge me, it’s not creepy.  It’s not.

Which brings me to one of the hiccups that could derail fans’ dream dates with their faves.  Most of the celebrities work out of specific regions currently, so if you want former NFL quarterback Daunte Culpepper to attend your fantasy draft, you better be able to post the $1,000 charge, plus be in the Miami, FL area, or you’ll pay extra for travel arrangements.  But, it’s not everyday you get a former pro to sit in on you and your pals’ fantasy football draft.  Thuzio.com is unique, and although it needs some serious tweaking, it could be something that catches on.  You know, when people get back to actually having some sort of disposable income, instead of having their homes foreclosed on.

Bottom line, just think of Thuzio much like the old line in the prostitution game:  You’re not paying for the “experience”.  You’re paying them to leave.