POSTING BY JB MADDAWG
2012. The end of civilization as we know it, if one is to listen to Mayan prognosticators. Uh huh. These are the same brilliant minds that couldn’t conceive the idea of full body clothing and indoor plumbing, mind you. No, reader, I’m afraid 2012 will be marked by other less intellectual events. You see, while all the other kiss ass journalists and bottom feeding entertainment bloggers focus on the useless garbage such as who got divorced, and who’s come out of the closet in the past year, I’ve decided to give you the good stuff. Predictions you can sink your teeth into. So, here’s what’s on tap for the next year in pop culture headlines….
- Gary Oldman will finally win a Best Actor at the 2012 Oscars, remarking, “it’s about damn time. Didn’t any of you a holes catch my performance in “The Fifth Element”?
- Miley Cyrus will crash her Mercedes, get thrown in jail for possession, slap a cop, shave her head in jail, get a tattoo of Judge Reinhold on her back and join the female offshoot of the Crips. All on a Tuesday.
- Alec Baldwin will still be a jackass.
- Much like the movie “Candyman”, NBC news anchor Brian Williams will overuse the name “Rockefeller” five times in a broadcast, conjuring the ghost of legendary Standard Oil founder John D. Rockefeller, who’s poltergeist will lay waste to everyone in the building. Including the cast of “30 Rock”.
- Scientists will discover that Adam Sandler, indeed, has no talent whatsoever.
- The summer fill-in hit of the television season will be “Celebrity Running Man”, based on the 80′s action film. Washed up celebrities determined to be on reality television(i.e., Gary Busey, Lisa Rinna) will be air dropped into a hostile environment where former pro wrestlers hunt them for sport. Escapees get to live, and a four-year deal for the New Hollywood Squares.
- Kristen Stewart will have a tribal design inked on the left side of her face, and announce she’s officially changing her name to “The Girl With the Mike Tyson Tattoo”.
- British author J.K. Rowling will unleash yet another useless after the fact tidbit about Harry Potter, (“Did I mention Dumbledore was gay?” “Did I tell you I almost killed off Ron Weasley?”) citing Harry was actually a 22-year-old smack addict living in a false reality under the Rikers Island Bridge in Queens, NY.
- Documentation will prove once and for all that actor Nicolas Cage is indeed a 200-year-old vampire named Lothario. He’ll comment that he’s a “closet fan” of the Twilight films, cite O negative as his favorite beverage and mention he once overdosed after accidentally biting singer Ozzy Osbourne.
- 2012 will see most of the general public still not knowing who Mark Ruffalo is.
- Sequel to the 1998 best seller, “Who Moved My Cheese”, will be yet another motivational win with “Goldman Sachs Stole All the Cheese. Eat Something Else.”
- George Lucas will re-re-re release the original Star Wars trilogy, only as a musical. On ice. With no intermission.
- AMC will cancel its former hit show “The Walking Dead”, citing that it really was just a “Green Acres” remake with dead people. And no Arnold the Pig.
- In a related story, AMC will also cancel its new railroad drama “Hell on Wheels”, citing that it really was just “Thomas and Friends” without all the colorful steam engines and the guy that used to be on Star Trek: The Next Generation thrown in.
- Rock group Van Halen’s comeback tour will be a bust, largely because most of the band goes to bed at 4:30 in the afternoon.
- And finally…Jesus will return and tell Tim Tebow, “Hey, stop it, already. I’m a Jets fan.”
Ah, interesting times, ahead. Just remember ThrowDown readers, as my mentor, the late, great Dicky Fox used to say, “roll with the punches”. Thanks for reading The Throwdown, and all our best to you in the upcoming year.