I Got Your Dancing Stars, Right Here.

 POSTING BY JB MADDAWG

Now, I’m not what you would describe as a Dancing with the Stars fan.  Frankly, I think ballroom dancing is pretty much a  waste of time unless you’re speaking of “lead up” sex.  However, I do enjoy gawking at professional dancer Lacey Schwimmer’s thighs.  Armed with that valuable knowledge, dear T-Down reader, you will now be able to take this entire article with a grain of salt. With the 13th season of DWTS on slate for Monday, Sept. 19th right around the corner, I’ve been pretty much barraged with promos listing this season’s roster of “stars”.   In case you haven’t heard, he’s just a few of the folks that fame forgot:

• David Arquette, famous for being married to Courtney Cox and having no acting skills, whatsoever.
• Nancy Grace, current CNN personality and former prosecutor.  That pretty much says it all.
• Chaz Bono, transgendered talentless son/daughter of Sonny and Cher.  I think that’s actually on his/her business card.
• Rob Kardashian, just in case, you know, you thought anyone in the Kardashian family wasn’t on T.V. enough.
• Carson Kressley, media gadfly and token homosexual for this year’s installment.
• And my favorite, NBA player, Ron Artest, a.k.a “Metta World Peace (and yes, he has filed paperwork to have his name legally changed to that moniker).  Ron is famous for playing basketball, and during his tenure with my Chicago Bulls, also worked in his off time at…wait for it…BEST BUY, because he wanted the employee discount on electronics.  That wasn’t a joke.  So, you can tell he’s the most stable of the cast.

Those are just some of the cast, google the rest if you really need to know the other stars, it won’t be time well spent.  After seeing this season’s cast, and laughing, I thought of some future DWTS candidates that may gussy the show up a bit.  Here goes:

Megan Fox.  Let’s face it, Megan has burned so many bridges in Hollywood it’s either this or The Price is Right.

George Lucas.  George could do all the special effects for the broadcast, and re-release the show for the next 30 years, as “original” material.

Robert DeNiro.  Don’t give me that look.  He was in the live action Rocky and Bullwinkle movie.  Esteemed actor, my ass.

Federal Chairman Ben Bernanke.  Trust me, this guy is gonna have some serious time on his hands pretty soon.

Charlie Sheen. Dancing…Duh! Porn Star Lisa Ann.  Two words.  Stripper pole.  C’mon, currently there is no category for “classy reality programming”. Tom Cruise.  Quite obviously, an Operating Thetan III, being the recipient of all the information relative to the galactic ruler, Xenu, thus negating the effects of the R6 implant, can easily master the ancient art of ballroom dancing.  Hell, Kirstie Alley was on the show last year, and she was only an Operating Thetan, VII!  (Who says Wikipedia is useless?) That’s it for now, T-Downers.  Here’s looking up Kym Johnson’s dress.